


On the Edge

by LordofLezzies



Series: On the Edge [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, F/F, Friendship, Panic Attacks, Scars, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24261094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordofLezzies/pseuds/LordofLezzies
Summary: After a failed suicide attempt and months of intense therapy Addison moves to Seattle and meets Meredith Grey. Will things work out for them? Will Derek finally agree to a divorce? And can Addison come to terms with her sexuality?
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Series: On the Edge [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1853950
Comments: 71
Kudos: 96





	1. Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> This was a story I started on a little over a year ago and I stumbled upon the notes and figured I would finish it. 
> 
> It was originally going to be a one shot, but it started getting out of control, like over 6000 words still have stuff written that needs to be typed up, my cats keep lounging on the story though

“I can’t say for sure what happened. I know there was a guy with a gun in the ER. I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” she paused for a moment. “They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes. Patients have described it to me before as a flash that happens in the blink of an eye, but for me it was slow motion. Just my time here in Seattle like a slow moving film. I was unpacking boxes at my apartment, Mark Sloan had sent me my things, some of them anyway. I wanted to leave New York behind and my weight was fluctuating a lot so I was going for a new wardrobe. Then I was in the bar on the stool where I met Meredith sipping my martini. We didn’t flash to her couch. I just remember her hand brushing mine, the sounds and smells of the bar felt so real, like we were meeting again and then of course I went home with her and lost my bra in her boxes. I saw her at work the next morning, I watched her pull away from me again. The first time she looked at my scars, she didn’t pull away in disgust. Every moment was Meredith and I think that’s because she is my life.”

There was beeping and yelling and she felt herself being moved. The charcoal gray sofa she had been sitting on vanished and she opened her eyes. Everything was out of focus and she felt pain like she had never felt before.

“Addison we’re taking you to surgery right now.” Richard’s voice soothed her as his hand gently stroked her cheek. The world went black.

***

Her life was a wreck; quite literally. She didn’t know where to begin, but seeing a therapist was necessary. 

“Where do you want me to start?”

“Where do you think you should?” Was the woman’s response.

“My life has become something of a circus at the scene of a train wreck so I don’t know.” She sighed.

“Well tell me about that.” Addison huffed in frustration, she wasn’t going to like this therapy thing.

“Tell you about what? My failed marriage? My failed career? Or my failed attempt at ending my life?” She shouted. The woman seemed undeterred by the redhead’s outburst.

“You started with your marriage, so let’s begin there. How long have you been married?”

“Ten years.” The answer was simple enough.

“That’s a long time. Are you sure that it is a failure?”

“How can it not be a failure?” Addison countered. Her husband was almost 3000 miles away in another time zone, and refusing to grant her a divorce. 

“Do you still love him?”

“What kind of stupid question is that? Really?” Addison yelled. “Of course I still love him he just so happens to be a self centered egotistical, workaholic asshole, that thinks I am fucking his best friend and drunkenly took a carving knife to my arm for attention.”

“Whose attention? His or his friend’s?”

“I don’t know!” She shouted.

“You seem to know everything else he is thinking,” The other woman commented.

“Because he said it! Mark found me, so we must have been screwing around. Derek and I have perfected this little dance of avoidance so why would I kill myself for him? I’m not after the attention of someone who isn’t coming home.” 

The woman didn’t let up. “How long have you been avoiding one another?”

“Two years.” The answer came easy.

“Why?” It was a loaded three letters. Addison didn’t have to think long about it though.

“We got successful. Our careers took off, we started our own practice and there was no time for us, no time to plan for the family we said we wanted and so when we had the time we would argue and then avoid the fallout. He would work late and I would be home or he would be home and I would work late.” 

“But you said your career was a failure, it sounds like you are successful,” Addison tugged at her sleeve, pulling it down over her hand, not wanting to face the scars that lie there.

“The last surgery I performed,” she stopped. That surgery had been her breaking point. “When you lose a patient you feel it. In hindsight I know there as no way I could have predicted the complication, but I operate on babies, and this patient was three months old and the parents last chance at having a biological child. The loss and then the notification and parents berating me was what broke me.”

“You think that was the final straw?”

“Yes.” It was the first time she admitted that work had been what broke her. She had been spiraling for a long time but that failure had made her feel like life was no longer worth living.

“You have lost patients before though,” Addison nodded. “Do you always feel that way after?” This time she shook her head. “Then why this time?”

“I told Mark before that I felt this way, I think that’s why he came to check on me.”

“Do you think that is why your husband thinks you are or were having an affair?”

“I’m not though,” Addison responded defensively. She had never really thought about why Derek thought that they were having an affair because it was unthinkable for her. Mark was just a friend.

“The three of us grew up together as doctors and med students. They were like brothers. Derek fell in love with the work more than we did and we grew closer because we both missed him. We bonded I watched the Giants games with him on Sundays in the fall and he popped popcorn and watched whatever movie I wanted every other Wednesday. It was almost as if we were replacing Derek for each other. I have never felt anything other than platonic affection for Mark, which is strange considering the fact that I have literally walked in on women throwing themselves at him.”

“Were you and Mark having an emotional affair?”

“No.” The response was her autopilot now. She was not having an affair with Mark. She didn’t feel like she was having an affair with Mark and she was tired of inferences that she was in any way shape or form.

“But you were spending time with him doing things you would do with your husband. You even said he was a replacement for him. You told him when you had suicidal thoughts before and not your husband and yet you don’t see why Derek would think you were having an affair.”

“What do you want from me?” Addison yelled, standing up in the process. She towered over the graying brunette who remained calmly seated across from her, unintimidated.

“For you to be honest with me and yourself.” Addison sat back down at the other woman’s tone. “Everything is a contradiction with you. You love your husband, but your marriage is a failure. You aren’t sleeping with his best friend, but he is the one you confided in. You understand that you can’t save everyone, you have felt the losses before, but this one puts you over the edge. Stop holding back!” Addison was stunned. They had been doing this for hours, but she knew she needed this.

“He made a pass at me.” She had never told anyone.

“Mark did?” Addison nodded.

“I never told anyone,” She whispered.

“When did this happen?”

“A little over a year ago, I laughed at him as if it was actually funny and I said “Mark I think I’m gay” I was sobbing, I was so scared to say it, I still am.” The older woman was silent in a contemplative way when Addison finished.

“Is Mark the only other person you’ve told?” She asked to which Addison nodded. She hadn’t said anything to Naomi despite the fact that she was now staying with her.

“I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable,” Addison mumbled.

“Do you think that your struggle to come to terms with your sexuality was a contributing factor in your attempt to end you life?”

“Yes.” Three simple letters. The room fell silent again and Addison knew that the other woman was waiting for her to elaborate. Addison however remained silent and uncertain and the older woman switched tactics.

“You said you didn’t want to make people uncomfortable. What did you mean by that? Addison didn’t answer so she pressed on. “Are you worried about how your friends will react or about how your patients would react?” She asked in an attempt to clarify.

“Both,” Addison finally answered.

“You are still a world class neonatal surgeon your sexuality doesn’t change that.” Addison fidgeted with her sleeve again and her fingers flexed involuntarily at the other woman’s words.

“I don’t know about that,” she whispered, her voice conveying her doubt. “My dexterity may never return to what it once was. I would have been better off dead.” She hung her head in defeat. The office was silent for a while and then Addison felt the other’s woman’s hand cover her own.

“I’m glad you’re here Addison.” The words were soft and reassuring and Addison offered a weak smile. “Right now you are healing and I know how difficult that can be. You just have to keep at it. I know you are doing everything you can for your hand, and we have to hope that it works out for the best.” Addison nodded in understanding. “I think we’re done for the day. You are exhausted and I know you’ll disagree,” she said with a small smile, “but you’ve made a lot of progress today Addison. And since I’m not going to see you again until Tuesday I want you to consider something for me. Do you think you can do that?” She paused to gage Addison’s response and at her nod she continued. “Think about telling someone, it doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be a stranger at the beach or the store. It might help you to feel more comfortable telling a friend.” 

“I’ll think about it,” Addison answered softly.

“That’s all I ask.” A comfortable silence fell over the office for a few moments and then “Naomi is here. Enjoy your weekend Addison.” With that the redhead stood up to leave and meet her friend.


	2. Surfing, Tacos, and Churros

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison has a day of revelations with Sam, Naomi and Mark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really hard time getting this part down, I've been trapped midway through this part of the story for a week and it finally came together, a bit longer than I had planned and not in the direction I thought it would go, but I enjoyed writing the Mark/Addison friendship 
> 
> I hope you enjoy

Naomi was busy and that was how Addison found herself sitting on the beach with Sam. She hated that she needed a babysitter, but at least the sun was warming her skin and the sand felt good between her toes. The silence wasn’t terrible either which made the babysitting more tolerable.

“What made you choose the beach?” She asked eventually growing tired of the silence.

“Lots of beautiful women in bikinis,” he answered teasingly and she stuck her elbow out and playfully nudged him. Though she couldn’t disagree there were a lot of attractive women on the beach.

“Why did you split up?” Naomi had avoided the topic of their separation and divorce, but Addison was curious and more than anything she wanted to talk about someone else’s problems because hers were suffocating.

“Why did you do that?” He asked indicating her arm which was covered by a sweatshirt despite the warm afternoon. It was clear that he was afraid to be more direct, but she was irritated more by his deflection than anything else.

“My attempted suicide and your divorce are not the same thing,” she bit back almost immediately standing to tower over him. “If you don’t want to talk about it just say so instead of deflecting!” She snapped before sitting back in her chair.

“Alright,” he sighed accepting that she was right. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just sit and watch the beautiful beach people and enjoy the sun, God knows you need it,” Sam added the last bit with a grin intending to break the tension. She knew her complexion was borderline ghostly, so she made no attempt to argue. She simply dug her feet into the sand and stared off at the surfer wearing a bright green body suit.

“I don’t know,” Sam uttered breaking the silence that had again fallen over them. “Things just didn’t feel right, I can’t explain it,” he paused for a moment to watch Addison. “And these women on the beach, they’re not the same. I love Nai, but I don’t know how to do it anymore,” he confessed. The surfer wiped out and when she made it to shore Addison’s eyes were glued to her. She threw her wet hair back off of her face and Addison was captivated as the small brunette walked up the beach. The neon green wet suit was clinging to her every curve and if Addison didn’t look away soon she was going to start drooling.

“I think I understand Sam.” She didn’t elaborate just let silence wash over them once again. When she tried to find the surfer again she was disappointed to realize that she was gone, and Addison stared off blankly hoping for another distraction.

“Do you want to talk about the elephant in the room?” Addison shot him a puzzled look. “You did just spend a good ten minutes staring at the surfer chick,” he added as a means of elaboration. Addison looked away as her cheeks burned at the observation. She had been staring at that woman like some kind of creep and she felt disgusted with herself.

“We don’t have to talk about it, but I suggest you wait until you’ve healed before taking up surfing.” He said offering her an out which she was thankful for, but then she remembered the doctor’s suggestion from her last session, and Sam had given her an opening. Maybe it would be okay.

“Was I that obvious?” He grinned at her and nodded.

“Her name is Sandra, she’s out here a lot, she usually doesn’t wipe out like that though. If you decide to try surfing, she might give you some pointers.”

“Would Naomi hate me if I wanted to try surfing?” She asked.

“There is nothing wrong with surfing Addie.” The metaphor had run its course when Addison started sobbing.

“What if she doesn’t want me to stay there anymore or she doesn’t want me around Maya?” He rushed to put his arms around her.

“Nothing has really changed Addison,” he whispered as he pulled her out of her chair and into a tight hug. “Just because you’ve realized that you like women doesn’t change that fact that you are our friend and we love you. Besides women are great and I’m lucky to be spending time with such a fantastic one right now.” Addie smiled weakly at his effort. She really appreciated it. “I’m sure Naomi will be fine whenever you decide to tell her.” Addison exhaled. It felt as if Sam had lifted an enormous weight from her shoulder with his words.

“You really think things will be fine with Nai?” Addie asked as they pulled apart and returned to their respective beach chairs. He nodded in response. The ease in which the gesture came to him comforted her.

“You are still the same person you have always been Addison, being gay doesn’t change the fact that you are a caring, intelligent and strong individual, and my daughter is lucky to have you in her life.” Addison sighed.

“I don’t feel very strong right now Sam,” she whispered.

“That’s because you are clearly exhausted, so how about we change the subject? What are you and Naomi planning to do this weekend?” He asked. Addison’s response was halted by the sound of her stomach rumbling.

“Hopefully eating. I really want some tacos,” Addison said suddenly and Sam chuckled in response.

“Is that a euphemism?” And suddenly Addison was laughing a full bodied laugh, she hunched over in her chair laughing at Sam’s words. She picked up a handful of sand and threw it at him.

“No,” she shouted in response, all the while she was still laughing. “I want churros too and that thick hot chocolate like in Madrid,” She was rambling about how perfect they were and how she couldn’t remember the name of the place when Naomi and Maya showed up.

“Looks like you two had fun this afternoon.” Naomi’s tone was unreadable, but something was clearly off.

“You’re about to have fun too,” Sam said, “she’s hungry.” His ex-wife’s mood shifted at that.

“Addison you are hungry?” She asked her friend who nodded excitedly.

“She wants tacos and churros,” Sam supplied, which triggered another barely noticeable shift in Naomi’s expression. Addison made a mental note of it, but said nothing as she was too excited about the prospect of fried cinnamon sugary goodness. Sensing Addie’s excitement Naomi couldn’t help but smile.

“I think I know where we can get those things,” she responded with a grin. Addison must have looked like a kid on Christmas morning. Addison said goodbye to Sam and Maya giving each of them a hug while Naomi placed a couple of phone calls. Naomi had ordered sampler tacos with beef, chicken, steak and even turkey from a small Tex-Mex place and some churros con chocolate from a busy cafe that specialized in Spanish cuisine. It was a good thing Naomi had ordered ahead because the place was crowded, and Addison sat in the car while her friend went inside to pick up their order. She was practically drooling as the scent of paella and tapas invaded her senses. When Naomi came back to the car with a greasy brown paper bag Addison was sure she’d started drooling.

“Normally I wouldn’t let you eat in the car, but I really don’t think I can make you wait until we’re home.” Addison’t eyes lit up and she ruffled through the bag excitedly. Her friend must have ordered a dozen of these and Addison excitedly withdrew one from the bag coating her fingertips in cinnamon sugar. Naomi was smiling at her as she took her first bite and moaned.

“This is delicious.”

“Wait until you try the tacos,” Naomi countered before pulling out of the parking lot. Forty-five minutes later they were back at the house Addison was savoring her fourth taco and she had guacamole on her chin. “I told you they were good.” Addison nodded in agreement, she was like a kid in a candy shop with these tacos, and her friend was grinning at her as she finished her taco. She was considering a fifth and Naomi just shook her head. “You’re going to make yourself sick.” Addison silently nodded in agreement, she hadn’t been eating a lot. The two of them sat there in comfortable silence for a while. That unreadable expression Naomi had, had earlier was back. “It looked like you and Sam had a good time today.” She nodded.

“It was nice spending the afternoon with Sam,” Addison replied. She was staring longingly at the remaining tacos and despite the fact that she’d probably make herself sick she grabbed a fifth one and took a bite savoring the bold flavors of the chicken. She hummed her approval. If she got sick it would be worth it because the tacos were heavenly.

“It’s nice to see your appetite has returned for something other than my ex-husband and Mark Sloan.” Addison nearly choked at her friend’s words and arched her brow as she swallowed.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh I think you already know,” Naomi bit back. “You have an uncanny ability to attract inappropriate men. You’ve got Mark calling for you at least six times a day and you spent the afternoon flirting with Sam.” She shouted.

“Flirting with Sam?” Addison asked, clearly shocked by the accusation. “I tried to kill myself three weeks ago because I’m **_gay_** Nai, I’m not exactly looking for a man,” she shouted right back. That was not how she thought she would come out to her friend, but now the cat was out of the bag. “Mark is my friend. He was there for me when my self-obsessed husband was too busy working and avoiding me to notice I was suicidal. The same husband who screamed that I was an “Attention seeking whore” while I was restrained and placed on suicide watch!” It felt so good to yell and let it all out and Addison was surprised when Naomi sighed in apparent relief at her confession.

“Oh God Addison I’m sorry, things with Sam are so,” She trailed off uncertain about the word she wanted to use. “Strange, uncomfortable and just weird and I’m sorry I projected that onto you.” She walked over to hug her friend and Addison squeezed her back.

“I think I got guacamole on you,” Addison said when they pulled apart. Naomi just laughed it off.

“I don’t care. I’m glad you’re here Addison, this divorce,” Addison just nodded to show her friend that she understood.

“When I am deemed mentally fit to file we can go through it together,” she offered and Naomi gave her a weak smile. Addison grabbed a napkin and wiped her face off. “Is it okay if I stay with you tonight?” Addison asked softly. She’d been sleeping with her friend almost every night since she had arrived.

“Of course you can Addie,” she answered immediately.

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Addison mumbled nervously.

“You’re my best friend Addison, just because you like women doesn't mean you’re a handsy perv, though spending time with Mark Sloan may have negatively influenced you,” she joked and Addison found herself smiling.

“Mark is a walking advertisement for penicillin,” Addison said with a grin, “but he is a great friend and I don’t think I would be here right now if it wasn’t for him.” It was true, if Mark hadn’t been worried about her she would have bled to death in her brownstone kitchen. Naomi cupped her shoulder gently.

“Why don’t you give him a call?” She suggested and Addison nodded. “Alright I’ll clean up the kitchen and after you talk to Mark churros?” Addison nodded emphatically and Naomi just smiled as her friend walked off. Addison dialed Mark’s number from the guest bedroom and he answered on the third ring.

“I thought Naomi was going to reach through the phone and strangle me if I called again.” Addison found herself grinning at his greeting and the sound of his voice made her feel warm inside.

“She’ll be too distracted telling me _“I told you so”_ later for gorging on tacos and churros,” Addison responded.

“Churros,” Mark groaned, then “wait you’re eating?” She nodded despite the fact that he couldn’t see and then “yes Mark.” She swore she could hear him smiling in New York. “How are you? How is LA? How is everyone?” He asked all in one breath.

“I’m feeling better today,” she said softly. “I think the medication is starting to kick in, I know it takes time, but,” she didn’t know what else to say. “LA is nice, lots of sun and with the traffic it feels like I never left Manhattan. Everyone is doing alright. Sam and I spent the afternoon on the beach today and Maya is staying with him this weekend. Nai and I just ate dinner. How are you doing?” She finally asked.

“I miss you,” he said and she could hear the sadness in his voice and she wanted to cry.

“I miss you too Mark,” she whispered and immediately her hands were swiping away tears that no one could see.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said and things grew silent. Addison hated the silence.

“I told them,” Addison blurted out. “Well Sam guessed. There was a very attractive woman surfing, and Naomi is still going to let me stay in her bed and I’m just, I feel so relieved.”

“I told you there was nothing wrong with being a lesbian and God Addie you’re still you it’s not like you would grope Naomi, I mean I probably would, but,” and Addison laughed because she and Nai had just had this conversation and it was nice to joke with Mark. When their mutual laughter had subsided Mark’s tone grew serious. “I know things aren’t the best right now Addie, but I know there is a wonderful woman out there for you.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for her right now Mark.”

“Fair enough,” he said, “but you are going to find her and she’s going to be perfect for you, and I’ll wear a hideous dress to your wedding,” he added to lighten the mood and she chuckled.

“I am only going to find her because of you,” she whispered. “You saved my life Mark.”

“It was nothing.” The line fell silent again. “Like I said I know things aren’t great right now, but they’re going to get better.” His words were so soft and she could hear the pain in his voice. “I’m glad things are getting better Addie. I just,” he sobbed, “I miss you so much.” He was crying and Addison wished more than anything that she could wrap her arm around him. “I thought I’d lost you, and I know, I want what’s best for you right now, but I miss my best friend.”

“I love you Mark, and I miss you too. You are the only thing I miss, though I’m sure I’ll miss the pizza soon too.” He laughed.

“I love you too Addie. It is so nice to hear your voice,” he added.

“I was thinking the same thing,” she said with a grin.

“I’m going to find some time to come out there soon.”

“I would love that, we can go to the beach and look at all of the gorgeous women in bikinis,” Addison said trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, I like that idea,” he replied excitedly.

“I still have my medical license in case you need penicillin afterwards.” Mark broke into a fit of hysterical laughter and a muffled “that was one time” was the only comprehensible thing to come out of it.

“I am serious about coming out there.”

“And I’m serious about the bikinis at the beach. I need hobbies Mark. I can’t have therapy three days a week and then need a babysitter the rest of the week. I’m not sure when I’ll be physically and emotionally ready to go back to work, so in the meantime hobbies I need them.”

“So bikini babes,” he chuckled. “I’ll be there. I’ll call you again when I have all the details worked out. Let me know if you want any of your things and I’ll take care of it okay?”

“You’re the best Mark. I might need some clothes and a few books. I might take up reading. I think I have a stack of old medical journals in the study.”

“Whatever you need Addie. Email me a list of things and I’ll have them shipped to you or I’ll bring them with me. I’m really glad you’re feeling better and when I get there I want churros,” he added with a light chuckle.

“That sounds wonderful. I can’t wait to see you. It’s getting late out there, I should let you get some sleep, I love you Mark,” she paused for a moment knowing she had something else to say but not knowing what, “I’m glad you are my friend Mark.”

“I’m glad you’re my friend too Addison. Good night.” They disconnected and Addison was comforted with the knowledge that he would visit her. One thing was for sure her life was a circus at the scene of a train wreck, but she had friends that were taking her to a better place.


	3. Playing Hard to Get

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison tells Naomi something she's never told anyone before. Mark visits and Addison gets to know someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I've been blown away by the kind comments so far, and I hope you all continue to enjoy the story. I really love Meredith/Addison stories, but I'm having a lot of fun writing Addison's friendships right now.
> 
> I think this story will be about 6-7 chapters, but it's already over 11,000 words and continues tumbling out of control.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this next installment.

Naomi was in the kitchen with dessert when Addison walked out of the guest bedroom.

“Did you have a good talk with Mark?” Addison nodded and sat down beside her friend.

“Yeah, he said he would try and come out here soon.” They dipped their churros in the hot chocolate and they both moaned at the delightful flavor. “These are so good,” Addison groaned as she took another bite. “Mark wants some churros when he comes for a visit, I’m already excited to eat more,” she laughed. Chocolate was dribbling down her chin. “I am such a mess tonight, I think I’ve forgotten how to eat,” she mumbled while trying to clean off her face. Naomi grinned at her and together they cleaned up the mess.

“You want to go get a shower?” Naomi asked when everything was cleaned up. Addison nodded, but stopped and turned back around halfway towards the bathroom.

“You’re sure you don’t mind me sleeping with you?”

“I’m sure Addison, besides we both know you’re probably going to cocoon yourself into that fleece blanket.” Addison knew that was a likely outcome.

“I honestly like having you here Addie. Ever since the divorce it just, it gets lonely,” she sighed and Addison stepped closer to her friend and cupped her shoulder in a way that she hoped offered comfort.

“I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends.” They stood there for a moment before Addison turned back around and went into the bathroom to shower.

Twenty minutes later Addison had a towel wrapped around her wet hair and was dressed in a pair of baggy sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. Her friend was dressed similarly and sat on the bed reading a medical journal. Addie sat down next to her. Naomi looked up and Addison felt like she should say something since she had unintentionally stolen her friend’s attention.

“I asked Mark about some of my old medical journals. I don’t think I’ll be ready to practice anytime soon, but maybe I can do some research and publish a few articles.” Naomi nodded in agreement.

“That sounds like a great idea,” she said while dog-earring the page. “I know you’re worried about operating again, but research is a step in the right direction, hell we practically lived in the medical library in med school and then in the research library throughout residency.” Addison nodded and things grew silent and Addison took the towel off of her head and began brushing the damp locks. She really needed to get a haircut it was far too long for her to manage right now.

“I need a haircut,” she groaned.

“I’m glad you said something because I didn’t want to,” Naomi responded and Addie couldn’t help but grin at her friend.

“I want a pedicure too,” Addison sighed and Naomi perked up at that. “Maybe we should do that tomorrow,” Addison suggested and Naomi smiled and nodded in agreement. Addie’s hair was dry enough now for her to lay back on her pillow and Naomi mirrored her and they laid there, head to head. “Would you mind if I spent time with Sam?” Addison asked as she turned her head to look at her friend. Naomi shook her head.

“You know I’m sorry I freaked out earlier it’s just that things with Sam are so confusing, I just want to stuff him into a box in the back of the closet, but we work together and we have a teenager and he’s just around all the time and I can’t deal with how I feel about him and our relationship because I honestly don’t know how I feel.”

“Yesterday Dr. Kline actually asked if I still love Derek. What kind of stupid question is that? We’ve been together since med school. That is most of my adult life. All that time and all those feelings, the memories we made together, don’t just go away because a beautiful woman turned my world upside down.” Addison sighed. “I get where you’re coming from Nai.”

“I’m really glad you told me Addie,” Naomi said grabbing her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Especially before I tried to drag you in to watch Dell walk through the office shirtless to go surfing during lunch. Now I know that wouldn’t have cheered you up.” Addison couldn’t help herself, she just started laughing.

“It’s the thought that counts Nai,” They stayed like that for a while, just staring at each other from their respective pillows.

“If you and Sam are going to be checking out women together though, I don’t want to know about it. Okay?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that right now Nai.” Her friend nodded and then, “you’re sure I’m not making things weird by staying in here?” Addison asked yet again.

“Only when you keep asking that Addie,” she responded with a reassuring smile. “I don’t want to get naked with you. I don’t think you want that either, besides I have an ex-husband who I still have lots of feelings about, and I am definitely attracted to men, but it is the 21st century and we’re in Los Angeles Addison, your being gay isn’t a big deal.” And Addison couldn’t stop herself from bursting into tears. Naomi immediately reached out to offer her comfort. Years ago maybe Addison would have felt the same way, but then she was young and naive and maybe idealistic about the world and now she was thirty-six and jaded.

“I’ve never told anyone this before,” Addison whispered and Naomi’s responding nod in understanding coupled with a reassuring squeeze allowed her to continue. “The summer before med school,” she started. “My parents gave me a flat in Paris as a graduation gift. I spent the entire summer there and I met Claire. When we were together I felt so alive, like I’d been sleeping my entire life. Being with her felt magical, but the summer ended and I told her I was in love with her,” she was sobbing and Naomi had one hand in her hair and one reaching for the tissues. “She told me she loved me too, but that I was young and naive and she didn’t want me to be disowned by my parents like she had been. So I should go home and forget about her and I would meet a nice man that I could spend my life with, and when I met Derek I thought maybe she was right. I had the kind of summer romance they make movies about and I have repressed it for years.” Addison continued to sob and Naomi offered her a tissue and continued to stroke her hair.

“It’s okay Addie,” she whispered, “let it all out, I’m here for you.”

“What if I never find that again Nai?”

“You will. We are going to get mani pedis tomorrow and we are going to make you a hair appointment and Mark is going to visit and probably try and set you up with a dozen women and if they’re not interested in you he’ll be having an orgy at a hotel.” They both started laughing that was something Mark Sloan would be involved with.

“Nai,” the woman in question hummed to her friend that she was listening. “Will you hold me?”

“Only if you wipe your nose first.” Addison smiled at that and took a tissue and wiped her nose before excusing herself to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. When she returned she curled into her friend’s shoulder.

“I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but you are going to get through this, because there has to be someone out there for you, when you’re ready.” Addison nodded sleepily. Exhaustion must have taken her quickly because she felt her friend’s arms wrapped around her and then she was sound asleep.

***

Two weeks later Mark arrived. He’d sent the medical journals ahead in the mail along with a few books. Addison had a new shorter haircut, freshly painted purple toenails and a tan. She had retold the story of Claire in therapy and it felt as if a weight she hadn’t realized she’d been carrying had been lifted. The self-inflicted damage to her left forearm and wrist had healed and all that remained were several ugly scars, and the damage did not appear to go much deeper. The thought of operating again made her hand tremble and she knew she was not ready to go back to work, and she definitely didn’t want to go back to New York and her husband and that house and that kitchen where she had almost died. The thought of it all made her anxious and irritable, but her friend was there in LA for her, and she looked great and she was feeling much better and life didn’t need to be an insurmountable climb right now, because she was walking on the beach with Mark.

“You look amazing!” Mark said breaking the silence and relieving Addison of her inner turmoil.

“Your friend is right Red,” a muscular blonde in a white tank and ripped denim shorts commented and Addison turned pink.

“You’ll have to excuse her, she’s a little shy,” Mark replied. She ignored him and continued looking at Addison.

“Can I buy you a drink?” She asked, holding out her hand to the nervous redhead. Addison nodded and took the blonde’s hand.

“Addison,” she said.

“Hi Addison, I’m Nichole, but everyone calls me Nikki,” she offered Addison a charming smile. “Your friend can chaperone if he wants,” she added.

“She has a very strict curfew,” Marked joked as he followed behind them to a nearby beach bar. Addison sat down with Nikki and Mark made himself scarce at the opposite end of the bar, but not before giving her a thumbs up. Addison covered her eyes with her hand and shook her head, before ordering a drink.

“Please tell me he’s not your boyfriend.” Addison snorted.

“Oh god no! He’s just my friend, he’s visiting from New York,” Nikki seemed quite pleased with that response. Addison had ordered a piña colada and “oh god that’s a lot of rum,” Addison choked, after her first sip and the blonde chuckled. It had been well over a month since the redhead had any alcohol and she was worried that it was going to hit her hard.

“Please tell me you don’t have an alcohol problem.” Addison shook her head in response.

“I just haven’t had anything that strong in a while,” she answered and the blonde accepted that with a nod.

“So Addison,” she paused, “that’s a beautiful name.”

“It is when you say it.”

“And your friend said you were shy.” They shared a laugh and it felt nice. “So did you actually go to Yale or did you just buy the sweatshirt?” Nikki asked.

“People do that?” Addison asked and Nikki nodded. “I did my undergrad there,” Addison answered.

“What did you major in?”

“Pre-med.”

“So you’re a doctor?” Addison nodded. “I’m not usually attracted to women with respectable careers. I tend to go for bad girls,” she laughed and Addison did too.

“So what does it take to attract all these “bad girls”?” Addie asked.

“Why do you wanna know?” Nikki shot back.

“Maybe I’m a bad girl,” Addison whispered. Her teeth pressed to her lip in a suggestive smirk. It had the desired effect because Nikki started talking about herself when Addison asked where she went to school.

“Stockton University, not as glamorous as Yale, but I had a great time, I mean considering I was in New Jersey.” Addison laughed and asked about her major and what opportunities she had and it was kind of wonderful. “I studied Marine Biology.” Addison was impressed when she told her about spending time in Australia studying the Great Barrier Reef. “I love the water, scuba diving is such an incredible experience, have you ever tried it?” Addison shook her head. Listening to Nikki speak about it with such enthusiasm made her want to try scuba diving though. “And surfing, I love surfing.”

“I kind of want to try surfing,” Addison replied and the blonde smiled. They’d been talking for almost an hour when their drinks were finished and Addie felt giddy. The blonde paid for their drinks and borrowed the pen she’d signed the receipt with and took Addison’s hand.

“I really enjoyed your company Addison. Maybe we could try dinner sometime this week?” Addison nodded and smiled as the blonde wrote her number on her hand. She giggled at the sensation before handing her phone to the blonde so she could put her number directly in there. When they parted Addison walked back along the beach with Mark.

“How long should I wait before I call?” She asked clearly wanting to call the blonde the moment they had parted ways for the evening.

“God woman at least try and play hard to get,” Mark shook his head. “You can’t be too eager at least wait until we get back to Naomi’s and text her, don’t call, Naomi and I are going to spend at least 20 minutes teasing you about this,” he said pointing to the phone number on her palm. Oh and they did tease her and she settled for sending Nikki a text. _Thanks for the drink. I look forward to doing it again soon xo Addison._ Mark looked it over and nodded his approval before she hit send.

Their date was scheduled for Tuesday night, and Mark was going back home on Monday, and before Mark left Addie was freaking out.

“What if I can’t do this?” She cried. “I mean I haven’t been on a first date in over a decade. What do I do?”

“The other night, that was all you Addie. It’s normal to be nervous about a first date and you two hit it off. You’re not looking for a marriage proposal here Addison, it’s just a first date, and if it doesn’t work out you will be alright. I’m going to make it a point to come visit you again, besides you owe me beach babes, you can’t just find one in five minutes and hang me out to dry,” he teased. She chuckled and promised to tell him how things went.

“Have a safe flight Mark. Call me when you land okay?” He nodded.

“Don’t worry Addie, I’ll be back.” They smiled at each other and he went through to board his flight back to New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stockton University is a real place and they have a marine sciences program. One of my friends went to Stockton for Marine Biology


	4. First Dates and Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison goes on a date and just as she thinks things are getting better a phone call from Derek makes things so much worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some issues getting this chapter together, mostly some tense issues, but I felt like I was rushing it at times because I had planned to move the story to Seattle by now. Let me know what you think, chapter 5 is almost complete. I think this story is going to be 8 chapters, but we will see.

It was 5:15 and Nikki was picking her up at 6 and taking her to dinner. They’d exchanged a lot of texts about what kinds of food Addison liked, if she had any allergies and if there was anything she absolutely would not eat.

“Look she doesn’t want to kill you, that’s always a good sign for a first date,” Mark said as he shuffled some papers around on his desk. It was after eight in New York, but he was still at work clearing up the backlog of responsibilities that had been neglected while he was in LA. “Just try not to be so available Addie, you two hit it off the other night and I have to say I’m jealous she’s taking you for Korean barbecue, and I didn’t even get my churros because your were so busy swooning all weekend.”

“I haven’t gone on a first date in forever Mark, I don’t think I know how to play hard to get, I am literally so available right now it hurts,” she groaned. “And I don’t even know if it’s going to go anywhere, hell I don’t even know if I’m ready for romance.”

“You don’t have to be, it’s just a date. You’re trying new food,” she heard his computer shut down, and he was throwing something in his briefcase. “This is a new adventure for you, try not to overthink it is all I’m saying,” he hit the lights and stepped out of his office intending to head home for the night. “Let me know how it goes.”

“I will,” she began.

“Oh look who it is,” Derek shouted. “Don’t think I don’t know you were in LA fucking my wife this weekend.” Addison threw her hand over her eyes, even 3,000 miles away she knew he was drunk and yelling at Mark. Derek must have realized then that Mark was on the phone, “You’re talking to her now too?” He shouted. “Fucking attention seeking whore, fucking around with my best friend!”

“I’ve gotta go, let me know how things turn out,” Mark said softly and before he hung up Addison heard him rough Derek up and tell him he was drunk and offer to drive him home. Addison felt her stomach sink. She was sitting on the couch staring out into space after they disconnected. Naomi had disappeared with Maya over an hour ago to give Addison some space before her date, and now Addie would give anything for her friend’s presence. She tried to put on a brave face when Nikki knocked on the door, but it was obvious that something was wrong.

“Oh god what’s wrong Addison?” Nichole asked when she saw Addie’s face. The redhead shook her head. “Do you not want to go out?” She asked and Addie shook her head, because she did want to go out, she also wanted to punch her husband in the face.

“No I do, just drama back in New York,” Nikki nodded and took Addison’s hand and the redhead locked the door before following Nichole to her jeep. “You have a jeep?” Addison said, but it came out as more of a question.

“I didn’t think you’d want to ride on the back of my bike, besides it is windy this evening and I think we’re supposed to get thunderstorms.” Addison nodded and as she sat down next to Nikki she put everything else out of her mind. As it turned out Korean barbecue was delicious and also messy, and Addison was glad she’d taken Nikki’s advise to dress on the casual side. Not only did the blonde enjoy water sports, she also rode a dirt bike and went four-wheeling. At the end of the night the blonde walked her to the door and she knew Nai was home waiting for her, and possibly spying.

“I had fun tonight Nichole,” Addie whispered.

“I was a little nervous when I came to pick you up,” she confessed and Addison smiled. “I haven’t been on a date in a while.”

“Oh god me neither, and Mark was telling me I needed to play hard to get and,” they both started laughing.

“I’m glad it wasn’t just me Addison.”

“We should do this again,” Addie quickly suggested, and Nikki nodded.

“We should,” she agreed and they stood there awkwardly and Addie definitely saw a shift in the curtains. “Your friend is watching us isn’t she?” Nikki asked and Addison nodded. Addie wasn’t sure who leaned in first but Nichole’s hands were on her waist and her hands were buried in short blonde hair as they kissed. Naomi let out a cheer and the couple just laughed. “You have nosy friends.”

“I know,” Addison supplied. “I’ll call you?” And Nikki nodded and they said goodnight.

***

The next few weeks were a whirlwind of dates and new food experiences. The new couple went to a food truck festival where they both overindulged and later got sick. They visited the California Surf Museum in Oceanside together and Addison found herself intrigued by the different board types and styles and she listened as Nikki gushed about an exhibit of Bethany Hamilton. Addison expressed an interest in learning to surf and Nikki was excited at the prospect of surfing together. Dating again was interesting for Addison and she found herself blushing every time she she thought about her girlfriend. She also found that she was learning a lot, not only about her new girlfriend, but about herself.

Mark was coming out for another visit and Addie was excited to see him again. It just so happened that his visit coincided with the week that Addison had officially filed for divorce. Her therapy sessions were less frequent and Dr. Kline believed that Addison was of sound mind to file for divorce and that was all her lawyer really needed to hear. Well the good doctor had written a letter to that effect and when the paperwork was filed she felt so relieved. 

Her life in New York wasn’t something she wanted to discuss with Nikki. She had told the blonde that she was taking a sabbatical and didn’t want to talk about it and the other woman had been very understanding. Addison was becoming a new person and she really didn’t want to be held down by the sordid details of her old life. The blonde understood, she knew that Addison was coming to terms with her sexuality and so she didn’t push for all the details, and such a simple consideration made Addison beyond happy.

On Thursday afternoon she and Mark were walking along the beach. She was telling him about the sushi place she’d gone to with Nikki when her phone began buzzing. She took it out of her pocket, saw it was a New York number and declined the call. They kept walking, her phone buzzed again, it was the same number. Again Addison ignored it and Mark gave her a look, but then she told him about how exhilarating it felt to ride on the back of Nikki’s motorcycle as they drove up the coast. The phone buzzed again and Addison rolled her eyes, he didn’t leave a voicemail he simply called again and again and the eighth time she finally caved and answered.

“So that’s how it’s gonna be, you just file for divorce.” His voice was dangerously calm and despite the distance Addison felt frightened. She and Mark had stopped walking and he was looking at her with a confused expression. She was silent and Derek was silent and she knew that he knew that Mark was there because he wasn’t in his office and Addison knew he’d cleared his schedule from Thursday until Monday for her. The silence fueled his anger and his voice was much louder the next time he spoke. 

“He’s there isn’t he?” He hissed. Derek was talking loud enough that Mark could hear. “That little stunt you pulled is ruining my reputation and now you’re trying to get a divorce so you can FUCK HIM!” He shouted. “You know he’s been screwing around since you left? Is it really worth it to throw away 10 YEARS OF MARRIAGE FOR THAT? He won’t change for you, all you’re going to get is VD!” He continued yelling. She didn’t even know what she wanted to say to him and he just kept yelling. “Is that why you tried to kill yourself? So he’d stop cheating!” 

Addison felt herself start to shake and Mark looked worried. She didn’t feel right, she couldn’t breathe, hell she couldn’t just yell back into the phone at him that she was a lesbian and that he was a terrible husband. Her silence made him angrier it was as if he just wanted her to fight back, but Derek had taken all of her fight away, she didn’t have the energy to fight with him anymore. She tried to take a deep breath, so she could yell back anything, but her lungs didn’t want to cooperate and Mark was staring at her all concerned and he had a bag. He started ruffling through it, and Derek was yelling again and her phone slipped out of her hand as he shouted, “You’re a terrible doctor, a terrible wife, you can’t even be a mother or even kill yourself right!” 

Mark heard every word even as he pulled something out of the bag and her phone fell to the sand and he thrust something into her hand. She knew how to use it because she was a doctor and she knew things or so she thought. She was confused, this had never happened before. Mark picked up her phone and shouted words at Derek, but they didn’t make sense they were only sounds and she didn’t hear them right and the world was spinning and then Mark was helping her sit down and telling her it was going to be okay. She tried taking deep breaths and the steroids kicked in or something and Mark was rushing her home because she’d had an asthma attack, but she didn’t have asthma, and she was just tired. Filing for divorce was supposed to be a relief, but it had just increased her anxiety and Derek was yelling hurtful words and she felt so lost. She was supposed to be making progress and now she wanted to cry, but she was exhausted and everything hurt and she just let Mark lead her away. He took her back to Naomi’s and laid her down on the couch. He left the inhaler on the side table in case she needed it.

Mark was on the phone. He called Naomi first, she knew that much. His tone was filled with worry and Naomi came home, but Addison wasn’t aware of anything more than her existence in the space. Mark was making phone calls lots of them, he raised his voice several times, but it wasn’t at her and she wasn’t afraid. He was demanding someone do something, make an appointment maybe, she couldn’t wrap her mind around it. She didn’t sleep. She was tired and anxious and she felt weird and wrong and her nails dug against the scarred skin on her arm, and Mark looked at her and told her to stop scratching, but she felt itchy and wrong. Then he was pacing he was on hold or so he said to Naomi, but Addison didn’t see Naomi. Time moved along and then Nikki was there. They were supposed to go to dinner together, the four of them tonight, but things were so wrong, and she didn’t want Nikki to know that she was wrong.

“Hey sweetheart,” she moved Addison’s head into her lap and sat down on the sofa. Nikki ran her fingers through short red locks and Addie sighed it felt nice and comfortable and real. “Mark said you had a rough day,” her voice was so soft and it was a relief that Addison understood what she was saying because she’d been overwhelmed for so long. “Do you want me to order takeout from the Thai place you like?” She asked and Addison shook her head.

“I’m not hungry.” Addison replied. Nikki was smiling at her and Addison liked that.

“That’s okay.” The fingers continued playing through Addison’s hair and they were together in comfortable silence. “I was kinda hoping for that cute little smile you get when you’re excited about food, you’re so cute.” It was so sweet and honest and then, “do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m getting a divorce.” She raised her eyebrows in response. “My husband is an asshole and I’d like to feed him to a shark right now,” and they both laughed and then Mark laughed. 

“I’ll see if I can get a shark,” Mark supplied.

“I still have connections from the Baltimore aquarium, I might be able to help,” Nikki said with a grin and Addison smiled at her. The blonde marine biologist was pretty freaking great. Even as the mood lightened though, Addison had a feeling that the moment would die and the world would crash in on her again. Maybe everything had to get worse, before it all could get better.


	5. Road to Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison isn't ready for a relationship yet, but maybe being friends is enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad to see you guys are enjoying this story and I hope you will enjoy this chapter as well. I'm still thinking the story will be 8 chapters and I'm almost done writing it just doing some tweaking and working on the ending.
> 
> I hope you enjoy

The next day was spent in the doctor’s office as they ran tests. The doctor suggested an increase in the dosage of Addison’s anxiety medication, and she flipped out, because she had been fine before her husband called. The dosage had been working just fine and she didn’t want more. She didn’t want to have to readjust to something different and she didn’t want to feel overwhelmed. It had been lucky that Mark had been carrying that bag full of emergency first aide supplies, and even luckier that the bag had an emergency inhaler. Addison hated that her weekend with Mark was being ruined, but it was nice to have him advocate for her, because she was in no state to advocate for herself.

Things with Nikki had been nice that weekend. Addison’s appetite had somewhat returned and the blonde insisted that they eat together as originally planned. She sat and held Addison's hand at the table while they discussed topics other than Derek Christopher Shepherd because Addison still wanted to feed him to a shark. While she was holding hands with her girlfriend under the table Addison realized that she liked Nichole a lot, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready for their relationship to progress, and she did want it to progress. The back and forth feelings were overwhelming her at a time when she really needed some calm. 

This time when Mark left Addison was miserable. He insisted that he would straighten things out with Derek and that she shouldn’t worry, but she knew she would worry anyway.

“Just convince him to sign the divorce papers, I don’t care if he thinks I slept with all four of his sisters and half the hospital, I just cannot be married to him any longer.” Mark understood and Addison knew he would do whatever he could to get through to Derek. Addison had already filed the paperwork for her name change. She was back to being Addison Montgomery not Shepherd. “Call me when you land so I know you’re safe,” she added before they parted ways again.

The Thursday after Mark went home Addie was laying out on the beach under a large umbrella with Nikki. It was nice to be lying in the shade together.

“You know I really enjoy spending time with you Addison,” Nikki said.

“I sense a but coming,” Addison answered as she sat up to look at the blonde woman who was sitting next to her.

“I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship.” Addison nodded, it was true, but she really didn’t want it to be, because Nikki was nice and she made Addie feel warm inside. When they spent time together Addison was happy and she didn’t want that to end. “I do like spending time with you Addie and I’d love to get you out of those cute little shorts and the hoodie, but you’re not ready for that.”

“I’m sorry,” Addison sniffled, she was ready to cry.

“There is nothing to be sorry for Addison, you’re going through a rough divorce and coming out and you really need some self-discovery time and hobbies, which is why I think we should try surfing.” Addison’s face lit up at that.

“Really?”

“Yes Addie, just because you’re not ready for big romantic gestures doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. You’re a pretty cool person and I’d love to teach you to surf.”

“I’d really like that.”

“Besides us East-coasters have to stick together LA can be a rough place,” Nichole added with a grin to make Addison smile. “I have a board that should be perfect to get you started on, and I’m going to suggest a wet suit because it can get cold out there.” Addie nodded and made a mental note to research one when she got back to Naomi’s and her laptop. “I know of a few spots that are good, but it will all depend on the wind and the tide and stuff, we can check that out whenever you’re ready.” Addison thought that maybe things would be better this way, she would still have Nikki as a friend, but without the pressure of trying to build a relationship. Addie laid back down and they were silent for a while before Nikki broke it.

“If you want to talk about what happened last week Addie, I’m here for you, okay?”

“I’m just the leader of the three ring circus.”

“I always wanted to run away and join the circus,” Nikki replied trying to lighten the mood, but it only made Addison feel worse and Nichole noticed right away, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you.” Addison sat up again and removed her sunglasses.

“It’s not you, it’s me. You know I really like you and I love spending time with you and I would love nothing more than to be ready for a romantic relationship with you, because you’re amazing, but I’m broken or defective or something. I don’t know what happened last week, I’ve never had an anxiety attack or an asthma attack or whatever the fuck happened to me. And I’m doing everything I am supposed to be doing to get better and every single time I think I’m making progress,” She was so frustrated.

“Mental health stuff always takes more time than we’d like it to Addie. I know you’re trying and you’re making progress. You were telling me about your research yesterday and how you thought maybe you could patent some new surgical tools. You’re here with me on the beach lathered in sunblock like a responsible adult. We’re making plans to go surfing. That’s progress.” Nikki nudged her and she offered a weak smile.

“I just want to be ready for more.” 

“Believe me I get it, but you can’t rush it,” Addison nodded. She really did understand. Nichole reached out to play with her hair. The blonde gently massaged Addie’s temples and Addie sighed, It felt nice. “I am here if you do want to talk about it Addie, I know you have Mark and Naomi, but I’m here too.”

“That really means a lot Nikki.”

“I just know from experience that sometimes an outsider can help better than the people involved.”

“Do you want to go to New York and force Derek to sign the divorce papers?” It was a rhetorical question and Nikki laughed.

“How long have you been married?”

“Ten years,” Addison answered automatically.

“That’s ten times longer than my longest relationship,” she laughed, and Addison laughed too.

“We were together for four years before that, we dated all through med school, we moved in together our second year and then he proposed, and we’ve been Addison and Derek ever since.” Nikki was impressed that they had spent so much time together.

“So why the divorce?”

“Because I’m gay,” Addison answered and though Nikki knew she’d been coming out she looked taken aback by the response.

“I knew you were coming out, but I just thought you were bisexual, you’re sure you are?” The question hung in the air between them.

“A lesbian?” Nicole nodded. “Yes,” things grew painfully silent and Nichole was unable to take it.

“I’m sorry I made things weird,” she rushed to say. “I just thought, I mean,” she tried. “That’s a long time to be with someone, and I, I thought maybe it was just one girl that made you realize and, I mean that’s what happened to me and I thought I still liked guys, but here I am completely interested in women, so I get it, I just didn’t. I mean I came out in college and that was hard, but I can’t imagine what that is like for you right now, and please say something Addie.” Addison smiled at her, she was so adorable when she didn’t know how to say what she wanted to say and rambled.

“I love him so much, I mean he makes me angry right now, but you are right we’ve been together a long time. We wanted a family, and we were trying for a while, and as much as I want children, I was so relieved when we stopped trying. I never enjoyed the sex and I just thought that’s how it was going to be. I married my best friend, so the rest of it didn’t matter, we had fun together, he broke his leg when we tried skiing, he held my hand when I had to have a root canal and cried like a baby. We had a lot of great times together, but the other stuff, I never liked. Maybe I would be happier if I came out sooner. I don’t know, but I can’t go back in time, so I’ll have to move forward.” Nikki smiled at her and they decided as they packed up to go home that they would try and meet up to go surfing sometime in the next week.

When Naomi asked her about the beach with Nikki she didn’t tell her they had decided to just be friends. Addison told her they were going to go surfing together and left it at that. The redhead did some research and ordered a wet suit. It was going to be a couple of weeks before it arrived and they decided that when it did they would set a date to go surfing. Addison found herself excited for a new adventure.

***

It took a few weeks to make the plans, but once they were together in the water it felt as if no time had passed. Addison felt overdressed in her wetsuit. She had a long sleeved top and her shorts were mid thigh length. 

“Why did you really suggest the wetsuit?” 

“Two reasons,” Nikki responded. “First off you are protected more from the sun in that than in a traditional bathing suit, and two just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being attracted to you, and just the thought of you in a bikini is distracting.” Addie smiled. She did a lot of watching that day. Nikki took her to a spot where quite a few locals were catching some waves. She studied the way they positioned their bodies on their surfboards and how they stood to ride the waves and Nikki had showed her proper paddling techniques and she centered herself on the surfboard and gave it a try. Learning to surf was going to be a slow process.

Addison had become a professional at research and she spent the time between their surf trips reading surf magazines and watching tutorials online. Waves could be unpredictable though even if you researched the conditions beforehand and Addison had read a couple of scary stories, but she didn’t want to be a professional, she just wanted to try something new and have a good time. 

“I know you’re excited, but please be patient Addie. Naomi will kill me if you get hurt.” Addison groaned because she knew her friend was worried. The third time they went out Addison paddled out perfectly, her form was textbook and she felt so ready to stand up on her board and ride a wave.

“You are so impatient Addison,” Nikki laughed, “this isn’t an exam you have to cram for, this is supposed to be a fun leisure activity.”

“I know, but I like to be prepared, I’m ready to give it a try.” Nikki conceded, she did look ready and they had been going slow. 

Addison however had spent so much time trying to get to the point where she could stand up on her surfboard and lean into the wave, that she didn’t know what to do when she got there. Her feet were placed too far back and she slipped off the board with a “FUCK” and a loud splash. Nikki was by her side the moment she resurfaced and gripped the board as she caught her breath.

“Are you okay Addie?” The redhead nodded still trying to catch her breath. “You know with all the high heels I’ve seen you wearing I thought you’d have better balance than that!” Nikki snorted.

“I did too,” Addison responded and they both clung to their surfboards and laughed in the shallow ocean waters together. They continued to laugh together and it felt so good. Addison felt like no matter what happened, everything really was going to be alright. When their laughter finally subsided Addison whimpered. “I think I hit my knee.” 

“Let’s get to shore so I can check you out.” Addison giggled and Nichole must have realized what she said. “I mean the knee, let me take a look at your knee.” It was bruised and so when Naomi came home from work later that afternoon she found her friend with an ice pack on her knee.

“Are you alright Addie?”

“Just fell, I’ll be find,” she smiled at Naomi in a way that she hoped was reassuring.

“I think that’s my cue to leave,” Nichole added as she stood up. She walked into the kitchen to grab her bag and Addison watched as Naomi followed her.

“She didn’t tell me,” Naomi said, “but I can tell. If she was ready for a romance right now I’m sure the two of you would be off naked together someplace far more romantic than my couch.” Addison hated that she could hear their conversation. “I’m glad you two are still friends.” Nikki sniffled and Naomi must have handed her a tissue.

“She’s pretty great,” Nichole replied. When she went to hug Addie goodbye the redhead whispered “you’re pretty great too.” 

They went surfing together a few more times and Addison road her first wave. They had kissed afterwards and Addison wanted so badly to be ready for a relationship with the wonderful woman before her. Their time together grew less frequent as Nichole was working on a research grant proposal at UCLA. They kept in contact though. 

Addison’s time spent in LA grew longer. She had routines. She was seeing Dr. Kline once a week now instead of the three days she’d been seeing her when she first arrived seven months ago. Derek called once a month on the 18th and they argued, but unlike the first time she yelled back at him. She’d told him he was a self-centered prick last week before hanging up on him. She was doing her own research, just like Nichole. Addison missed Nichole, but they were both doing different things and going in different directions and while Addison was sad that it hadn’t worked, she was happy that they had met and shared their time together.

Now Addison was sitting in the kitchen typing away on her laptop. Naomi had ordered pizza. 

“Nai, this pizza is terrible,” Addison commented as she took a bite.

“Look short of getting Mark to overnight one from New York, you are going to complain about the pizza no matter where I order from. More for me,” she sassed. Addie rolled her eyes and deleted the last sentence she had typed. Naomi lifted her pizza to her mouth and just as she was about to take a bite Addison caused her to drop it.

“I think I’m ready to go back to work.”

“Are you sure?”

“You’re busy, Sam is busy, Mark hasn’t been able to visit in three months because he is busy, and Nikki, and I feel like I’m ready. I’m more than a little nervous, but if I really want to design new surgical tools that work the way I need them to, I need to get back into the OR so that I know how to improve them. It’s been more than seven months, but I spent more than seven years preparing for this job.”

“I think it’s natural to be a little nervous, but it’s like riding a bike, you never really forget.”

“It’s not that Nai,” she sighed. “I can’t go back to New York and I’ve been out of it for so long, what if no one wants to give me a chance?” Naomi reached out and put her arm around Addison’s shoulders.

“You have been doing so much research to design better surgical tools, tools specifically for your specialty and you have published nearly a dozen articles in the last six months. That work is out there, Addison. You fell, but you didn’t stay down. You have worked so hard to get yourself back up and if a hospital knows that Dr. Addison Montgomery is available they are going to want her.”

“Thanks Nai,” she smiled. “I don’t know what I would do without you,” and she stood up and hugged her friend, taking Naomi by surprise.

“You would probably be eating better pizza.” They both burst out laughing.

“You know Mark and pizza are the only things I actually miss about New York,” Addison commented when they finally stopped laughing.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” Naomi asked. Addison had given it some thought.

“I think I might give Richard a call. He tried to get Derek and I to go out to Seattle when he became Chief of Surgery. Maybe the offer will still be good even if it is just me.” She wasn’t certain that it would work out, but it was a start. She would give him a call in the morning.

“You know, I’ll miss you if you move to Seattle,” Naomi responded.

“You know the house next to Sam’s is on the market. I was thinking about buying it. The only potential problem is my idiot husband, and I know I can bury him in lawyers if need be, but I don’t want to create a real estate problem, I don’t want the Brownstone, I don’t care about the house in the Hamptons he can have it, but Los Angeles is mine, and I want a place here. I think of this as home now Nai.”

“I hate that Derek is still giving you a hard time,” Naomi shook her head.

“I’ve filed for divorce, I’ve legally dropped his name, I’ve told him to go fuck himself, I don’t know what will make him understand,” she sighed. “Ugh men.”

“I understand,” Naomi laughed.

“I might just buy it though, for the added incentive to return home.” Naomi shoved her.

“Like your friends aren’t incentive enough.” They laughed.

“Well I want my own place Nai, I might bring a girlfriend.”

“Oh we’re already planning to bring a girlfriend, I see how it is Addie.” They spent the evening laughing together in the kitchen. Maya came in at one point and shook her head at them. “I hope I have a friendship like yours in 20 years,” the teenager commented before walking out. Addison resolved to call Richard the next morning. She was ready to go back to work.


	6. Light and Flirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Addison begins to settle into life in Seattle, but the thought of operating has her a bit on edge. Maybe Dr. Miranda Bailey is just the resident for the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally figured out how I was going to break the chapters down so there are going to be 9 chapters now, pretty much all finished except for the last chapter which I am working on right now.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this one since Meredith finally makes an appearance

It took forever to actually get through to Richard Webber: Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital, not that Addison had expected it to be easy, but when she finally got him on the phone she’d nearly forgotten why she was calling in the first place. He sounded surprised to hear from her.

“I heard about you and Derek,” he tried.

“I would really rather not discuss that,” she answered, and awkward silence fell over them before Richard changed course.

“Then I can only hope that you’re finally willing to take me up on that job offer?” He asked and she agreed that, that was indeed her reason for calling, and it was agreed that she would come out to Seattle to hash out all of the details of her contract. She would start as soon as she could make the arrangements to relocate. And just like that she had a new job.

She bought the beach house, repercussions be damned. She had her car transported from New York. Mark had offered to drive it out there himself, but he was very busy and didn’t necessarily have the time. However he had made sure her car was in pristine condition before it was picked up for its west coast adventure. She would be getting a Washington license and plates, and the prospect of it all made her genuinely happy in a way she hadn’t been in a long time.

While Addison was excited about the prospect of finally moving on with her life, it was also difficult to let go of Los Angeles. Her time in LA represented a transition in her life, she had finally come to terms with her sexuality, she had gone on her first real dates with another woman, and she had the safety of her friends. In Seattle she was going to be on her own, she wouldn’t know anyone besides Richard. She would be working with new doctors, driving down new roads, and experiencing a new climate. 

She was worried that she would not be able to adjust fast enough. She was worried that she would lose it again and have no friends to help bring her back, but it was something she had to do. In one of her last sessions with Dr. Kline she’d mentioned this fear and the nagging doubts she had. Dr. Kline had reminded her that things weren’t like they were in New York. Mark was only a phone call away, Nai was only a phone call away, Sam was a phone call away. Unresolved issues she had in New York had been resolved. She was taking medication to help with those overwhelming feelings and things would be different. She would make new friends and form new relationships with new colleagues.

It was hard saying goodbye to Naomi. They had lived together for eight months and had shared practically everything in that time.

“This isn’t goodbye forever Nai, I bought a house, I’m coming back with or without a girlfriend.” Her friend had laughed and they had hugged and Addison drug her feet about leaving in her mostly packed car. “And you can come to Seattle and visit once I get settled in,” Addison added. Naomi smiled.

“You’re moving into an apartment,” Naomi said shaking her head.

“It’s not tiny Nai, it has a guest bedroom and an office, I’m not buying an over the top house for just myself.” Naomi laughed and commented on her new beach house which they’d fully furnished already though Addison had settled on it just last week. Addison laughed too. She hugged Naomi again and Sam and Maya and it was time for her to be off. “I’m going to miss you guys. I promise I will come back.” She hugged them all at least a dozen more times before waving her final goodbye.

Richard knew that she needed time to adjust, and he was more than willing to give it to her. Luckily her arrival in Seattle was in the month leading up to the Intern exam. She had plenty of company in the practice lab, and the hospital was playing host to several lectures. She attended them all. There had also been a refresher seminar for more of the seasoned surgeons to get back to the basics, and Addison had been there too. She met some of her new colleagues. Dr. Preston Burke head of cardio and Dr. Nelson who was the go to neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace. Addison wasn’t sure how she felt about them, they seemed nice enough, but she was leery of neurosurgeons right now, and Dr. Burke seemed overly confident. While these events certainly helped her put faces with the overheard names of her new colleagues, she didn’t necessarily feel a connection with any of them.

When she was ready to step foot in the OR once again Richard had assigned a small third year resident to her service. Dr. Miranda Bailey had a reputation, some interns referred to her as “the nazi” but Richard assured her that there was nothing to worry about. Miranda Bailey was a promising surgical resident and Addison nodded. They were in the scrub room and Addison’s hand was trembling and the third year resident was watching. Nothing was wrong with the damn hand, it was fine, she just needed to stop shaking. She stopped scrubbing and turned the facet off.

“Dr. Bailey, I need you to take my hand.” The shorter woman looked confused, but she did as Addison asked. “Rub my palm with your thumb.” She did and Addison felt her hand relax.

“Are you alright Dr. Montgomery?” She asked.

“I’m alright, it just, I haven’t done this in a while and I’m a little nervous,” she said facing the woman. She smiled at Miranda Bailey before turning the facet back on to begin the scrubbing process again. “Richard says you’re the best resident he’s seen in a while,” Addison added before they entered the OR, “I think we’re going to be fine.” Dr. Bailey smiled underneath her mask and Addison felt confident.

***  
There was a bar across the street from the hospital and Addison was in the mood for a celebratory drink even if she was alone. There was a pretty blonde throwing back tequila shots two bar stools away. 

“You’re going to be sorry in the morning,” Addison commented and the woman looked over at Addison and smiled before sliding over to sit next to the redhead. Her name was Meredith.

“What is a beautiful woman like you doing drinking alone in a place like this?”

“I just moved here a few weeks ago,” Addison answered. “I don’t really know anyone here yet.”

“Well we have that in common Red.”

“Addison,” she whispered telling the blonde her name. Meredith repeated it “Addison” her name had never sounded as wonderful as it did passing through those pale pink lips.

“I think I’d like to get to know you better Addison,” she whispered. Her hand had fallen to Addison’s thigh. The skirt she had worn now had a warm hand beneath it and Addison felt like her skin was on fire at the touch. “How about we get out of here Addison?” She asked, and the redhead nodded and allowed herself to be lead out of the bar, which was how she found herself lying naked on the floor beneath a couch cushion the next morning, while Meredith groaned about being late for her new job.

“We should do this again Meredith,” Addison said as she searched for her bra.

“We should,” she agreed with a smile as Addison grabbed a sharpie that was lying on one of the unpacked boxes. She took Meredith’s arm and wrote her number in bold black ink.

“Call me.” Meredith ran upstairs to shower and Addison threw her clothes on and called herself a cab. While Addison was home in the shower Meredith had called and left her a message. “Hi Addison, it’s Meredith. I just wanted to call and give you my number. I somehow made it to work on time. I’d really like to see you again. Call me and maybe we can go out later this week. I look forward to hearing from you.” Addison practically danced her way through her morning routine. She felt wonderful. She had to call Mark and tell him all about it, but first she needed to get to work.

Addison didn’t have any surgeries scheduled that morning, and the new interns were being introduced to the hospital, so Addison chose to go to her office. It was 9:15 which meant that it was noon in New York and hopefully Mark was eating lunch. She dialed and he picked up on the second ring.

“Hi Addie,” he sounded happy to hear from her and she was happy to hear his voice again.

“Are you busy?”

“I always have time for you,” he answered and she smiled. “How was your surgery yesterday? I meant to call you last night.”

“It went well, and it’s a good thing you didn’t call. I wouldn’t have answered,” she responded. The line was silent and Mark probably wanted to ask, but he didn’t, so she told him. “I met someone.” She had been dying to tell someone, she was ecstatic.

“Oh really?” He teased. “Details Addie!”

“Her name is Meredith. She just moved to Seattle too, and,” Addie was blushing, “I went home with her last night,” she added and Mark wolf-whistled and Addison laughed.

“Way to go Addison!”

“I gave her my number and she already called,” Addison gushed. “I’m going to call her back after I leave here tonight. I have to find someplace nice to take her for a date.” 

“I’m happy for you Addie. I’m glad you met someone.”

“So am I. I have a good feeling about her.”

“I bet she’s a blonde.” Addison laughed, it was a good thing Mark couldn’t see her blushing. “You so have a type,” he teased.

“How are you doing?” She asked.

“I’ve been better,” he answered honestly. “I don’t think I’ve been this tired since we were interns,” he sighed. She knew he had been dealing with a lot of burn victims and disagreements with Derek about the practice weren’t helping matters. “It’s nice to hear your voice though,” he said. “When you finally go on this date, call me and let me know how it goes okay?” He asked. She said she would before he told her he had to get back to work and they disconnected. She should get back to work too. She stepped out of her office and as she was walking to check on a couple of nonsurgical patients she swore she saw Meredith. She smiled to herself before realizing that it was indeed Meredith and the blonde was staring back at her and when Addison caught her looking she bolted and Addie followed.

“Dr. Montgomery,” she said as Addison caught up with her in the stairwell.

“This morning it was Addison,” she grinned. Meredith started rambling about how last night couldn’t be repeated because they worked together and they were just girls in a bar and Addison wasn’t paying any attention because Meredith was wearing a long sleeved shirt under her scrub top and Addie knew her phone number was on her arm and Meredith had called that number since she’d been at work. “It’s a big hospital Meredith,” Addison whispered teasingly. “We don’t have to work together,” she added. “I’ve been thinking about you all morning.” And Meredith became flustered and her pager went off and she had to go and Addie called after her, “I look forward to taking you on a proper date.” 

Three days later Meredith pushed her against the elevator wall, dropped the charts she’d been carrying and kissed her, then spent the day avoiding her and told her they couldn’t go out. Addison didn’t know what to do when she got home that night so she called Mark.

“How did the date go?” He asked as a way of greeting.

“It didn’t.” He repeated her words as a question. “She is an intern,” Addison said simply. Mark was speechless, and Addison couldn’t handle the silence. “She kissed me in the elevator this morning, like pushed me against the wall and didn’t stop until the elevator did, and then she spent the rest of the day purposely avoiding me, and then she asked for my help and said we couldn’t go out because I’m her boss, but she’s sending all of these mixed signals and what the hell do I do?”

“I don’t know what to say Addie,” he answered. He sounded so tired and she felt bad for coming to him with her problems, but he was her best friend, and she needed advice, because it felt like Meredith was into her and their work dynamic was the only thing holding her back, but Addison didn’t want to push.

“I know it’s always about me and my problems,” Addison said softly. “I would drop everything for you if you needed me to Mark.” He sighed.

“Don’t come on too strong, she’s obviously into you, I mean she called you right away and the work thing probably just freaks her out, flirt and let her come to you,” he finally said. “It means a lot that you called to ask me for advice, I’m not mad, I’m just so tired Addie. Between all the burn victims from the arsonist on the loose and things with the practice,” he sighed. “I feel burnt out. It’s really nice hearing from you.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked and he sighed again. Derek was definitely at the heart of this and he didn’t want to unload that on her and she knew it. “Just tell me what he did Mark, I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”

“He’s been worse since you moved to Seattle,” Mark finally said. “We’re arguing all the time about how to keep the practice running. I think I’ve finally convinced him that we haven’t been having some sordid love affair for the last year at least, but he’s unbearable and I think it’s finally hitting him that you’re not coming back. When you were in LA with Naomi it was like you were on an extended vacation and now you have a new job in Seattle and you’re starting a new life and reality is setting in for him. Like you were serious about wanting a divorce and he’s been in denial about it for so long he doesn’t know how to react. I know he’s been drinking and I’m worried about him, but I can’t do anything because I’m working all the time and it’s so exhausting Addie. I think he misses you.”

“I would hug you if I was able to right now,” Addison replied.

“I know, I’d like to hug you too right now.” The line was silent for a couple minutes. “When they finally catch this guy that’s setting shit on fire like a nut job I’ll come and visit your new place in Seattle and possibly sleep the entire time,” he said.

“That sounds nice, I can’t believe this is still going on it’s been four months of fires and burn victims. Hopefully they catch the guy soon because I really miss seeing your face.”

“I miss seeing yours too. Try to keep it light and flirty with your blonde intern and tell me how it works out for you. I’m tired. Have a good night Addie.”

“Goodnight Mark,” she replied and they disconnected. She would try to be flirty, but not too obnoxious with Meredith and see if that worked, she had nothing to lose, as for her husband and the trouble he was stirring up for Mark and himself, she was going to try and put it out of her mind. He wasn’t her problem anymore as far as she was concerned.


	7. Suggestions and Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark's advice works and Addison gets her date with Meredith, but Addison doesn't know the first thing about taking another woman on a date or what to do in Seattle thankfully she meets a 4th year resident who might be able to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent a good amount of time editing this, so I'm pretty happy with it, but also I still haven't written the ending 
> 
> Special Thanks to JustNotMe for convincing me that the story needed a little Callie/Addison friendship
> 
> I hope you all enjoy

“Fancy seeing you here” Meredith said as she sat down next to Addison at the bar. The redhead was sipping a margarita and she grinned at the younger woman.

“You know when you repeatedly turn a woman down, you’re not supposed to sit next to her at the bar after work,” Addison replied. “Unless of course you’ve changed your mind,” Addison added hopefully. Meredith didn’t respond instead she ordered her own margarita.

“I would have pegged you for a wine drinker, what’s with the margarita?” Meredith asked.

“Taco Tuesday,” Addison responded. The innuendo apparent in her tone. “The last time I had wine things didn’t end well.”

“Killer hangover?”

“So much worse,” Addison responded simply. Meredith looked at her expectantly, and for some reason she continued. “I forgot how to operate a corkscrew and went all caveman on the bottle.” Addison held out her left hand which was visibly trembling to show Meredith the barely visible white lines left behind from the glass that had pierced her skin. They served as a reminder, every time she’d thought about indulging in a glass of red she had reconsidered.

“So basically you got into a drunken fight with a bottle of wine,” Meredith said with a smirk. “You are a very interesting woman Dr. Montgomery, if you weren’t my boss I would definitely go out with you,” she whispered.

“I don’t have to be your boss,” Addison said quickly before she could even be sure of what she was saying and Meredith looked dumbfounded and Addison felt very foolish as she realized what she had suggested.

“Don’t get me wrong the sex was good, but not quit your job good.”

“Don’t forget about the kiss,” Addison responded.

“How could I forget about that kiss?” Meredith asked breathily as her hand crept closer to Addison’s. “I only wish the hospital had more floors so I could have had you to myself for a few moments longer.” Addison’s cheeks burned at the young doctor’s words. “Don’t get me wrong, I want to go out with you, but,” her words hung in the air and Addison couldn’t take it any longer, she reached out a fraction of an inch and took Meredith’s hand.

“Can we just forget about work and give it a try?” Addison asked softly. Her eyes were hopeful and she continued to hold the blonde’s hand. Meredith smiled and nodded.

“I think we can try that.” Addison’s face lit up.

“Dinner Friday night?” Addison asked.

“Oh I don’t know I might be on call Friday night,” Meredith teased.

“I could order some takeout then, and we could have dinner at the hospital,” she sassed back despite the fact that they had just agreed to leave work out of their relationship. Addison was going to go for broke though. “And after,” she whispered, leaning closer to Meredith so as to whisper the words directly in her ear. “Maybe I can have you for dessert in the on call room,” It was Meredith’s turn to blush.

“Friday night,” she said with a silly smile, “it’s a date.” They both just sat there, holding hands and grinning like idiots at one another.

“It’s a date,” Addison repeated as she gently withdrew her hand and stood. She pulled some money out of her purse and threw it onto the bar for her drink and Meredith’s.

“Wait, where are you going?” Meredith asked.

“I have a date to plan,” she responded with a smirk. “Have a good night Meredith.”

“Good night Addison.”

***

Reality hit Addison hard the following morning. It was Wednesday and she had a date with Meredith Grey on Friday and she had no idea what she was doing. She’d never taken someone else out on a date before and though she wanted to try things out with Meredith she was completely out of her depth. She tried to put it out of her mind as her current patient had fractured her wrist and getting that set and managing the pain in a way that was not harmful to her unborn child was going to be an ordeal. She had paged for an ortho consult and a fourth year resident showed up.

“Callie Torres,” the woman said holding out her hand. “You’re new here right?” She asked to which Addison nodded.

“Addison Montgomery,” she said offering the younger woman her hand. “Nice to meet you.” The dark haired resident set the patient’s wrist and went over some dos and don’ts with her. She had been very straightforward and Addison found herself drawn to the young doctor’s personality.

“Wanna grab lunch?” Callie asked and Addison was surprised but quickly smiled and nodded. They ended up in the cafeteria and Addison was gnawing at an apple slice completely lost in thought. “I don’t usually do this, but you looked kinda lost and you look really lost right now Addison,” she waved her hand in front of Addison’s face, “like maybe you could use a friend.” Addison focused on that.

“I’m sorry, I’m a little spacey today.”

“I noticed,” Callie laughed and Addison smiled. “I know you’re new here,” Addison nodded. “And I thought maybe you could use a friend,” Callie repeated.

“Friends.” Addison said the word as if it were foreign and Callie laughed. “Oh god I’m sorry. it’s just I have a date Friday night and I didn’t expect her to say yes, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never taken a woman out on a date before and I don’t know what she likes or where to take her and normally I would call Mark, he’s my best friend and he lives in New York, but he doesn’t know anything about Seattle. I don’t know anything about Seattle it just rains here all the time, and I’ve bought 6 new umbrellas since I moved here and,” Addison stopped talking.

“So you’re gay or bisexual or?” Callie asked and Addison felt that familiar uncomfortable feeling of dread and uncertainty like maybe she shouldn’t have said anything.

“I’m complicated,” Addison answered and Callie chuckled.

“I don’t have a problem with the gay thing,” Callie added and Addison sighed in relief. “So what do you know about her? Maybe I can help you pick a place for this date.”

“I know she’s cute, and I really like her,” Addison said dumbly. “And she likes tequila, or at least I think she does, she was drinking it when we met. I don’t want to try something too fancy and over the top, but I want to make a good impression.”

“You’re kind of a mess,” Callie laughed and Addison nodded. “Alright so I might know a place. Cafes are a staple in Seattle. Coffee is kind of a big deal here, and there are quite a few that offer nice lunch and dinner options that are pretty simple, but still nice and it can be casual while offering a better atmosphere than most other places,” she suggested and Addison smiled and thanked her for the suggestion. She was able to focus when Callie started to tell her about a guy she had operated on with a broken leg. It wasn’t long before Addison was cracking up laughing. She had definitely made a new friend.

The first date had been a success. Addison had found a small cafe that wasn’t too over the top, but also wasn’t too casual. She learned that Meredith loved seafood, hated Chinese food, and couldn’t cook to save her life. It was nice to just laugh together while getting to know one another better. When Addison took the blonde home at the end of the night, they ended up making out in her car for twenty minutes before saying goodnight. Addie really had to thank Callie for the suggestion.

On Monday morning Addison found Dr. Torres and handed her a coffee.

“Not that I’m not grateful, but what’s the occasion?” Callie asked.

“Thank you for your suggestion,” Addison responded with a grin. Callie smiled back at her silently asking about the date. “We’re going out again tomorrow.” Meredith took her out for sushi and the night ended in Addison’s bed. She groaned Wednesday morning when her phone woke her up. Meredith was snuggled into her pillow and Addison shifted to sit up and grab her phone that was on the other side of the room.

“I’m going to kill your husband. You won’t need to wait for him to sign the divorce papers and I’ll be put out of the misery that is dealing with his hangover induced bullshit!”

“Addie, come back to bed,” Meredith mumbled and Mark heard. Addison quickly grabbed her robe and pressed a kiss to Meredith’s temple and whispered that she would start a pot of coffee.

“Ooh somebody had a sleepover last night,” Mark teased. “Sorry I woke you up,” he apologized. “It’s just that,” Mark paused and Addison took the coffee grounds out of the cabinet and began scooping them into the coffee filter. “He’s not even hungover, he came to work drunk this morning, I just don’t know what to do Addie.” Addison didn’t know what to say and she pressed the start button on the coffee maker to buy herself some time. Tomorrow was the 18th and he would be calling her and they would scream at each other and Addison shook her head at the thought.

“Have you tried calling his mother or sisters?” Addison silently thought of Amelia who would likely revel in the irony.

“And listen to them tell me who they blame for his uncharacteristic behavior? No thank you,” he sighed and Addison knew they probably blamed her. “I’m all he’s got right now and as much as I’d like to unload him onto someone else I can’t, I just needed to vent and figured you of all people would understand.”

“Of course I do Mark it’s just, it’s a lot.”

“What’s a lot?” Meredith whispered as she wrapped her arms around Addison from behind. Mark laughed.

“I wouldn’t want to keep you from your new lady friend Addie, I’ll talk to you later,” he said before hanging up.

“Who got you out of bed?” Meredith asked, and when Addison turned around she saw that the blonde was wearing one of Addie’s t-shirts and nothing else. The redhead found herself completely distracted by pale legs and Addison leaned forward and kissed the cute blonde completely ignoring her question. When they pulled apart, “you didn’t answer my question.” Addison forgot what the question was and she looked at Meredith all confused and the blonde closed the distance and kissed her again. “Who was on the phone?” Meredith asked when they parted.

“Oh Mark,” she answered.

“And do I need to worry about this Mark guy?” Meredith asked and Addie shook her head.

“No, he’s just my best friend and he lives in New York and something happened at work and he forgot about time zones.” Meredith smiled at her response.

“You’re so cute when you’re flustered. How about we go get a shower?” Meredith suggested and Addison nodded. A girl could get used to this, and Addison did. The sleepovers became a semi-regular occurrence and the showers together the next morning were essential. She loved the sensation of Meredith’s fingers lathering shampoo in her hair and gently massaging her scalp, and the way Meredith responded to Addison’s lips caressing her shoulder blades. Addison found herself smiling more than ever before, and as she lie in bed with Meredith almost a month into their relationship she was grinning like an idiot.

“I was wrong before,” Meredith whispered as she kissed Addison’s palm, “the sex is definitely worth quitting for,” Addie giggled as the blonde continued pressing kissed to her hands. Pink lips began climbing Addison’t left arm however and blue eyes caught sight of ugly zig-zagging scars and Addison found herself pulling her arm away. Meredith had paused for a moment before reaching out and taking Addison’s arm once again and kissing her way over the angry scars. Her lips teased the redhead’s elbow before continuing up towards her shoulder, and when Meredith was at eye level with Addison, she whispered, “You don’t have to tell me about them, but I hope that eventually you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about it.” Then Meredith was leaning in for a kiss and Addison kissed her back and they snuggled up together before falling asleep.

It had been a week since Meredith had noticed her scars and they were sitting on the couch eating pepperoni and mushroom pizza. Nothing had really changed, despite Addison’s fears. They had gone to dinner twice that week and had gotten handsy in Meredith’s jeep after work, which was pretty normal for them. The only difference was that Meredith hadn’t spent the night in that week. She wasn’t sure if the lack of physical intimacy was all in her head though and she didn’t want to dwell on it so she took another bite out of her pizza.

“This isn’t bad,” Addison commented, which considering her history with pizza that was high praise. Meredith knew Addison was a New Yorker and any pizza made west of the Big Apple was deemed unfit for consumption. They’d had the conversation at least three times and Addie and Naomi had been involved in far too many pizza related arguments, well she didn’t want to start another pizza argument.

“My girlfriend the food critic,” Meredith groaned. They’d had an argument when Meredith defended the Chicago style deep dish, and Addison rolled her eyes at the memory. She really needed to see if Mark could overnight her a greasy New York pizza. Then maybe she would be satisfied to drop all pizza related arguments. Meredith had said girlfriend. The words finally registered in her pizza glazed mind and she smiled. She liked when Meredith called her that.

“Look I lived in Los Angeles for eight months, it is a diverse city and I tried lots of different food. Not everyone thinks grilled cheese is acceptable for three meals a day.” Meredith chuckled at that.

“That’s all just a part of my grand plan to get you to make me pancakes and take me on lots of dinner dates,” the blonde responded with a teasing grin. She leaned her head against Addison’s shoulder and just smiled at the redhead, before placing a quick kiss on her cheek causing Addison to blush.

“You’re teasing,” Addison giggled and Meredith nodded.

“You’re extra cute when you’re blushing,” Meredith whispered before leaning in to place a second kiss on the redhead’s rosy cheek. Addison turned her head and quickly placed her own kiss on Meredith’s cheek, before standing up.

“I’m going to clean up,” she said as she picked the pizza box up from the coffee table.

“Do you want some help?” Meredith asked and Addie just shook her head. It would only take her a few minutes and Meredith looked comfortable on the couch. When Addison returned from the kitchen Meredith was watching a movie. Addie sat down with her and while Meredith was engrossed in the plot, Addison stared at her girlfriend. The blonde slid over so that she was cuddled up against the redhead, and she nestled her head into Addison’s shoulder and the redhead sighed as she wrapped her arm around the young doctor. Two hours later when the credits began to roll neither of them wanted to move.

“Will you stay tonight?” Addison asked softly. Before she knew it the blonde had moved to straddle her lap.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Meredith whispered before leaning in to kiss her girlfriend soundly. Fingers had slid under Addison’s shirt and were quickly climbing up her back and Addison pulled back suddenly feeling very overwhelmed.

“I, I, just, I just meant to sleep,” Addison stuttered nervously. There was a flash of disappointment in Meredith’s blue eyes, but in an instant it was gone and Addison questioned whether she had simply imagined it. They hadn’t been intimate since Meredith had seen her scars, and while the blonde hadn’t done anything that would make her think things would change she was still uncomfortable. It had been okay when Meredith didn’t know about them, but now Addison felt so self-conscious and even if Meredith did still want her, she wasn’t ready for that. There were so many things she wasn’t ready for.

“That sounds good,” Meredith finally said as she stood up. “I’m gonna go get changed,” she added before heading towards the bedroom. Addison just watched her go. She was feeling so conflicted as she listened to Meredith move about in the other room. She remained lost in thought until the blonde called out, “Addie, where’s the toothpaste?” Addison had cleaned the bathroom sink off that morning and as she got up from the couch to grab the toothpaste she heard drawers opening and closing in the bathroom. She snatched the tube off of the dresser and when she walked into the bathroom Meredith was standing there in Addie’s gray Columbia Med tee and a pair of gray pajama pants, and the medicine cabinet was open. Addison handed her the tube of toothpaste, but Meredith’s eyes were focused on the prescription bottles in the medicine cabinet.

“Just ask,” Addison finally said as the silence became too much for her to handle. Meredith was a doctor and she knew what each of the drugs treated and that coupled with the scars she’d seen the week before must have created a clear picture for the blonde.

“You have asthma?” The words sounded strange, she’d forgotten about the presence of her emergency inhaler amongst the anti-depressant and the anti-anxiety medication, and Addison shook her head.

“I have really bad anxiety attacks, and sometimes they mimic an asthma attack,” Addison answered. Meredith put the toothpaste down on the counter as if she just realized it was in her hand. She reached out to touch Addison with her now empty hand.

“I get that you’re uncomfortable talking about this, but when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here Addie.” Addison felt herself begin to shake and Meredith instantly wrapped her arms around her, holding her close as she sobbed. Meredith’s hands rubbed comforting circles around Addison’s back and the redhead tried to calm herself with deep breaths.

“I’m just afraid that you’ll hate me if I tell you,” she finally said. Things between them had been incredible. Addie had felt an instant connection and when they went on dates, Addison felt as if every struggle she had endured in the past year was worth it. She was terrified of what would happen if Meredith pulled away from her.

“In case you hadn’t noticed I really like you Addie. I doubt anything you tell me would make me hate you.” She sounded so genuine and so certain, and the warm smile that accompanied her words made Addison feel so safe. It was the push she so desperately needed. She pulled back and slowly rolled up her left sleeve exposing the scars to Meredith in the harsh light.

“Eleven months ago,” she started, taking several deep breaths before continuing. “I had a really shitty day at work, and I got really drunk, so drunk in fact that I tried to stab open a bottle of wine. And when that didn’t work I used the knife to try and kill myself,” Addison didn’t know what she had been expecting when she finished but Meredith pulling her back into her arms felt so right, and she allowed herself to fall into the warm embrace.

“I am so happy that you are here with me right now, and I’m glad that you trusted me enough to tell me,” Meredith whispered. It was a relief for Addison that Meredith had been so understanding, and she smiled at that fact as they brushed their teeth together, but when they crawled into bed and Meredith’s arms were around her she felt overcome with guilt. She was still married. She had gone out of her way to flirt with Meredith and get her to go out with her, and she had omitted such a major detail. Meredith had confided in her about her sick mother and told her stories about people she dated to piss her mother off. They had built trust. Enough trust that Addison had felt comfortable enough to tell her she’d attempted suicide, but that one detail. She hated Derek for it, but more than that she hated herself for starting a relationship with this wonderful woman under false pretenses and her anxiety was in control.

Meredith must have sensed that something was off because she got real still and after a beat whispered, “Addie?” Addison hummed in response. “You would tell me if I did something to trigger your anxiety right?” Addison turned to face Meredith fully.

“You won’t,” she said simply despite the fact that she was clearly anxious.

“How can you be so sure?” Meredith asked, worry apparent in her tone. Again Addison was overcome with guilt. She hated that she had caused Meredith any distress.

“Meredith,” she began, her tone serious. “There is something else that I have to tell you.” Meredith tensed at her words and Addison hated herself for causing such a response.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, I’m sorry if I pushed too hard.”

“You didn’t Meredith. I just, I really like you and I don’t want to scare you off or ruin things between us, but I haven’t been completely honest with you,” she paused and took a deep breath. Inhale, exhale. “I know you won’t trigger my anxiety,” she paused again, “my husband is the only one that triggers it.”

“Husband?” Meredith was sitting up now and the hurt look in those pretty blue eyes filled Addison with sorrow. She sat up and reached for Meredith’s hands.

“I haven’t seen him since I was released from the hospital eleven months ago, and I filed for divorce nine months ago, he just refuses to sign the papers. We get into a screaming match over the phone about it once a month. I never wanted to hurt you. When we met I had such a good time and it felt nice to be with someone I could be myself with. I’m crazy about you Meredith and I’m so sorry that I messed it all up.”

“You didn’t mess things up Addie,” Meredith whispered softly. “ _Hey I’m in the middle of a messy divorce do you wanna grab dinner_ isn’t a great pick up line. I mean I’m not happy about it, but I’m pretty crazy about you too Addie.” The redhead had been on the verge of tears believing that their relationship was now broken beyond repair at her confession, and now she found herself grinning.

“Meredith Grey you are amazing,” she whispered before leaning in to kiss the other woman senseless.

***

Addison’s confession had actually been really good for their relationship. They had spent almost every night since together. On the rare occasion that they were both off on the same day, the free time was spent enjoying each other’s company. They had walked through Golden Garden’s Park sharing stories about medical school and Meredith’s trip backpacking through Europe on a rare sunny day. Addison told Meredith about learning to surf and Addison learned about Meredith’s love of ice skating. It was the first time Addison told Meredith about her beach house in Los Angeles.

“I’d love to take you there. I’m definitely an amateur surfer, but being out in the water feels amazing. One of my good friends is my neighbor too.” Addison told her as they strolled along the park path.

“That sounds amazing, I’ve never been surfing before but I love the ocean,” Meredith smiled. The Olympic Mountains were visible as they continued their journey through the park and Meredith asked, “have you ever been skiing?” And Addison burst into laughter at the memory of her last ski trip where Derek broke his leg and she had to explain to Meredith who laughed with her. They were really communicating and it felt wonderful.

While things had been going great their current situation was causing Meredith a great deal of stress.

“You have to leave before they see you,” she hissed. Addison cursed the fact that the restaurant had been closer to Meredith’s place. They had hardly been able to keep their hands off of one another which was how she’d ended up naked in Meredith’s bed being hissed at and smacked playfully with a pillow. Addie groaned, she didn’t want to leave Meredith’s warm cozy bed.

“Ugh,” Addison groaned as she sat up. “If you hadn’t been so impatient last night, we could have gone to my place and,” Meredith cut her off with a kiss and Addison gasped in surprise.

“Will you please shut up and get dressed?” Meredith sighed as they pulled apart. She didn’t even argue Addison’s point.

“Where is my bra?” Addison asked as she slowly got out of bed. She found her dress, but her undergarments were nowhere to be found. Meredith handed her, her bra with a smirk and as Addison grabbed it she saw her panties in Meredith’s other hand. She didn’t seem to be willing to surrender them but Addison was not amused and glared at her until she handed them over. She was forcing her out of bed this early and Addie was most certainly grumpy about it. Meredith seemed to understand and murmured something about making this up to her before shooing her once again. Addison opened the bedroom door cautiously peaking outside to be sure that Stevens and O’Malley weren’t lurking about and she made a break for the stairs and slipped out of the house and into her car hoping she hadn’t been spotted.

It wasn’t until later that morning when she was working with Dr. O’Malley that she realized she’d been caught.

“You saw me leaving this morning.” He nodded in confirmation and Addison sighed. This was proving to be one hell of a day, she was exhausted from her late night extracurricular activities, she had thrown her anesthesiologist out for being drunk, postponing her surgery in the process and now O’Malley. She placed her hand against her temple.

“Don’t you think it’s wrong to be taking advantage of her like that,” he responded lamely and Addison just rolled her eyes. She already felt the imbalance of power in their relationship at work and she worried about it enough without this intern adding to her stress.

“I know your type O’Malley, you’re one of “those” guys,” Addison responded startling the young intern. “You think of yourself as a “nice guy” but really you think you’re entitled to sleep with women because you’re “nice” to them. Newsflash you’re not entitled to sex with Meredith and your little crush that’s so obvious to everyone but Meredith, should be all you need, to know she’s not interested. Now go and get the damn labs!” She growled before heading to grab a latte from the cafe around the corner. She hoped that a walk coupled with caffeine would improve her mood. She made it to the lobby when she spotted Meredith carrying two coffee cups.

“Hey,” she smiled as she handed one of the cups to Addison, “vanilla latte with an extra shot.”

“You’re the best,” she hummed.

“I heard you told George off,” Meredith said before she could bring the lid to her lips.

“God word travels fast around here,” she huffed.

“I’m not mad,” Meredith clarified.

“Really? Because the way you threw me out this morning,” her words hung heavily in the air between them.

“Alright I deserved that,” Meredith mumbled. “I just didn’t want them to think I was getting special treatment sleeping with the boss okay? It’s not you it’s just,” Meredith ran her hand through her hair. “It’s just with Ellis Grey being my mother and,” Addison cut her off. She already had a chip on her shoulder and Addison knew talking about it made her uncomfortable especially since Ellis was sick.

“I understand Mer, really,” she offered Meredith a weak smile.

“Come over tonight?” Meredith asked shocking the redhead. “I want you to feel at home at my house Addie.” She smiled and nodded in agreement.

That evening they left work together and met at Meredith’s house where they walked up the front walk hand in hand. She nodded at Meredith’s roommates as they went upstairs and it wasn’t long before Addison was dressed in a pair of charcoal gray sweatpants and Meredith’s Dartmouth shirt. She practically face planted into the pillow and with Meredith’s arms wrapped around her she was asleep instantly.


	8. Hits the Fan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As is the case every time Addison starts to feel like progress has been made, something happens to cut her down. Meredith's roommates she can deal with, but when Derek Shepherd calls to tell her he's coming to Seattle her world is flipped upside down once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, this has been mostly ready to go, but with everything going on in the world right now, I have really been struggling with editing this and finishing the final chapter. FYI it might be a while before chapter 9 gets posted, I'm having a difficult time putting it together.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy chapter 8, I hope to get chapter 9 posted in a timely manner.

Addison spent more time at Meredith’s house over the next few weeks. She had clothes in a drawer there, because Meredith had roommates, and she needed to have clothes. The roommates didn’t like her, and Addison felt unwelcome, but Meredith was going out of her way to try and make her feel comfortable in her home and so Addison agreed. George was on a date and Izzie was baking cupcakes and all Addison wanted to do after she finished brushing her teeth was curl into bed with Meredith and sleep, but there were cupcakes and so Meredith was downstairs in the kitchen.

“Would you just leave her alone Iz?” Meredith grumbled. Addison stayed at the foot of the stairs not wanting to interrupt.

“I don’t like that you’re sleeping with her,” she huffed.

“How are you going to stand there and tell me I’m ruining my credibility when you have scrubbed in on most of her surgeries?” Meredith’s voice was raised and Addison couldn’t stand there anymore. She walked into the kitchen.

“My ears were burning,” she said before reaching out to wrap her arms around Meredith. “You know Stevens, Meredith and I met before either of us knew we worked at the same hospital. Besides the fact that we are dating has already been disclosed.” The tall blonde still seemed leery, but Addison just wanted to go to bed. Addison held out her hand and Meredith took it.

“Night Izzie,” Meredith said as they walked up the stairs hand in hand.

Dealing with Meredith’s roommates was challenging enough, but a week after the conversation with Stevens shit really started to hit the figurative fan. Addison was standing in a narrow hallway outside of the ER pacing. She had a big surgery tomorrow on a TTTS patient Meredith had admitted a few days ago, and she’d already had to call the cops when a heavily pregnant 16 year old came in high as a kite with a man that raised every hair on the back of Addison’s neck, and Derek had called her no less than eight times in the past hour and sent a text message saying _PLEASE call me Addison_ and she was having trouble keeping it together.

“Sit down Addison.” It was Meredith and she sat on a gurney that was placed against the wall. The blonde had her stethoscope and leaned over Addison telling her to take deep breaths as she listened to her lungs.

“Grey what are you doing down here?” The sound of Miranda Bailey’s voice caused Addison to jump. The intimidating fourth year resident catching them in what felt like too intimate a moment for the workplace did nothing to quell Addison’s rising anxiety. Her breath was coming in short desperate gasps and she looked at Meredith and wordlessly sent her to grab her inhaler.

“Anxiety,” she choked out as Miranda took over for Meredith and gently told her to take deep breaths. It amazed her that a woman dubbed “The nazi” had such a gentle touch. Dr. Bailey had been assigned to her by Richard when she first started working at Seattle Grace and the woman had been exactly what she had needed to get back into her work, and now Addison had a soft spot for her. She closed her eyes and tried to take deep breaths. She could not fall apart at work.

“Sleeping with my intern,” she finally huffed. The words likely weren’t meant to be heard, but Addison heard them. She grabbed the woman’s hand and held it tightly in her own for a long moment.

“Miranda,” she gasped, “leave her be.”

“Foolish,” she mumbled, but didn’t say another word as she pressed the stethoscope to Addison’s back continuing to listen as Addison tried to breathe normally.

“I told Richard,” she huffed. Miranda Bailey took a step back at that looking genuinely surprised. She didn’t get a chance to respond however as Meredith had returned and Addison took her inhaler gratefully. Addison quickly felt the effects of the steroids and her breathing slowly normalized. She was thankful that these had become less frequent, but the feeling was still debilitating.

“Take care of your girlfriend here Dr. Grey and I will see to our VIP,” and with that Miranda Bailey walked away and now Meredith looked like she might have an anxiety attack. Addison quickly reached for the blonde’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“Don’t worry about it. We have been strictly professional here and you’re working such a big case with me is because you admitted the patient, not because of favoritism,” Addison whispered trying to soothe her girlfriend’s fears, but her damn phone began buzzing again. “God damnit what the hell does he want?” She growled. They had already had their monthly screaming match.

“You’re going to want to answer that,” Meredith mumbled. And oh no Meredith knew something that she didn’t know. “How about we find some place quiet for you to take that?” Meredith helped her stand up and led her to an empty exam room. He’d already hung up and so she clicked on the number and hit the call button. He picked up on the first ring.

“What do you want Derek? You know I’m at work.” She didn’t have time to be indirect.

“Are you sitting down?” He asked rather than answer her question.

“Should I be?” She snarked. He sighed.

“I don’t want to argue with you Addie.” He sounded defeated, and she sat on the backless chair. “Richard called me a few hours ago,” he began. “I’m going to be in Seattle tonight.”

“To sign the divorce papers I hope.”

“Look Addie can we not do this right now? I just thought I should be the one to tell you,” he trailed off and she thought he was done. “I know you’re busy,” he began again, “but I would really like to sit down and talk to you, maybe tomorrow morning?” He asked.

“Do we really have anything left to say to each other?” The question hung in the air between them for a while. “I have patients I need to get back to,” Addison said breaking the silence. “Have a safe flight Derek,” she whispered before hitting the end call button. Addison sat there for a while and eventually Meredith came in and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered as she held her hand out. Addison took it in her own and smiled weakly. Meredith told her that the Chief had a tumor on his optic nerve and Addison understood why he would want Derek to operate. It had been a year since she had last seen her husband and there was no way to avoid it. She would simply have to deal with it, and with that in mind she allowed Meredith to lead her away to see her next patient.

Of course it was raining when she and Meredith were getting ready to leave that night. Addison was trying to put her coat on but Meredith pulled the sleeve away before Addison could get her arm in.

“That was mean,” she laughed as Meredith made to help her for real.

“You needed a laugh. How about dinner?” Meredith suggested. “I was thinking we could get something to eat and then go back to your place for dessert,” Meredith said suggestively. Addison blushed at her girlfriend’s suggestion but then she nodded in agreement as Meredith straightened out her coat. She leaned over to pick up her bag and the umbrella she carried everywhere now. When she turned around he was standing there.

“Addison,” Derek called out before approaching. Meredith subtly stepped in front of her and Derek stopped. “Not what I was expecting,” he said. His gaze lingered on Meredith and she returned his gaze, he looked like he wanted to say something, but made no comment. “I have to go meet Richard, but I would like to talk to you tomorrow Addison.”

“As I said earlier, I don’t think we have anything left to say to one another Derek, and I have a very busy day tomorrow.” She grabbed Meredith’s hand and together they stepped into the rainy Seattle night.

The next morning was a frightful reminder of exactly how fast gossip traveled through the hospital’s halls. Despite the hush surrounding the surgery Derek was in town to perform, it had spread that he was her husband and Izzie Stevens was arguing with Meredith just within earshot.

“I can’t believe you’re standing by her, she is married.”

“Would you keep your voice down?” Meredith countered.

“Meredith, you need to end things with her before the situation gets worse.”

“And you need to mind your own business,” Meredith snapped.

“You are really going to take her side,” Izzie shook her head. “I thought it was crazy when you defended her after the way she talked to George, but it’s your career.”

“I’m sorry George can’t take a hint,” Meredith hissed. “I have a girlfriend and I’m not interested in someone following behind me like a kicked puppy when all I want is to be friends. For once would you just mind your own damn business?” Meredith stormed off before the taller blonde could say anything else. Addison made eye contact with Stevens, but instead of walking away the blonde stepped forward and closed the distance between them.

“It looks like George was right, you are taking advantage of her. You have done a hell of a job manipulating her if she’s willing to throw away her career for you.” Stevens was standing there at full height, but Addison had the advantage. It was almost comical to watch the intern try and intimidate her.

“That routine you think you’ve perfected won’t work on me Dr. Stevens, I am taller. While on another day your attempts to intimidate me might be amusing, today they are not. I suggest that you follow your friend’s advice and mind your own business.” Addison said calmly before following Meredith’s lead and walking away before the blonde could respond. Addison had a surgery she really needed to focus on.

Meredith had been so great with their patient. She was able to answer most of Julie’s questions about the procedure and it helped to ease Addison’s anxiety. This surgery was a little less routine and having a calm patient and a capable intern felt like a miracle for Addison. Everything went well and then when Meredith was caring for her post-surgery she took Addison by surprise when she requested a different doctor.

“She’s sleeping with your husband.” Meredith snorted and quickly tried to cover it with a cough, but it was unsuccessful and the snort became full blown laughter.

“I’m sorry I can’t,” Meredith fumbled to excuse herself. After the day Addison had been having she found the laughter was contagious and she started laughing as well. Julie shot her a strange look and Addison quickly contained herself.

“Dr. Grey just met my husband last night, he lives in New York. He’s in town for work,” she explained. “He is a surgeon too.” It was implied that they were separated and Addison felt it would be unprofessional to tell her patient that her husband was free to sleep with whoever he wanted, with the exception of Meredith.

“Oh,” she said. “You’re sleeping with Dr. Grey.” Addison turned bright red at her patient’s revelation. She began fumbling and apology, but the pregnant woman cut her off. “There is no need to apologize Dr. Montgomery. You and Dr. Grey have been wonderful, I’m just projecting,” she sighed. Addison understood.

“I’m sorry about your husband,” Addison offered before stepping out.

“Are you mad at me for laughing back there?” Meredith asked when Addison caught up with her. She shook her head in response.

“It’s been a long day,” Addison said.

“And it isn’t even close to being over” Meredith sighed.

“I’m sorry that this is all happening right now.” Meredith had put on a brave face all day. She’d heard the rumors. She had dealt with her friend’s harsh words and now she looked so tired and worn down. Addie reached out and cupped her cheeks and Meredith gave her a weak smile as Addie ran her fingers through blonde hair. They were all alone and Addison leaned in to kiss Meredith. “I love you so much Meredith and I wanted to tell you that somewhere much more romantic than this.” Meredith smiled a full genuine smile.

“I love you too Addie.” They shared another soft kiss that left them both standing there, grinning like fools.

“It is going to be okay Meredith. Everything is going to be alright tonight. Bailey will be there with you, and I will be in the gallery and tomorrow I will talk to him so you and I can move on with our lives, together.” Meredith nodded and smiled in response.

“I guess it is time to face the music. I have to go get ready for the chief’s surgery.” They parted ways again. The surgery was taking place in OR 3 and Addison was keeping the gallery locked. She expected her husband to be professional if nothing else. Things started off fine and Addison quietly kept her place in the gallery as they began the operation.

“Second time scrubbing in today right Dr. Grey?” He asked.

“Yes Dr. Shepherd,” she responded.

“That is quite impressive for an intern,” he commented. “You get in on a lot of surgeries though don’t you Grey?” Meredith shook her head. She didn’t get in on any more or less surgeries than any of the other interns. “I find that hard to believe. My wife can’t be the only thing you’ve been getting into.” Addison had heard enough and she pressed the button on the wall to let him know that she was there. Her voice came as a shock to her husband.

“I suggest you focus on the task you came here to perform and let Dr. Grey do her job.”

“The gallery is supposed to be closed,” Derek responded.

“So is your mouth,” she bit back. He shut up and went back to work the only sounds coming from the OR were those of the instruments and the occasional request for a specific instrument.

“You know Addison if you wanted to talk, you could have had coffee with me this morning.”

“I believe that I already told you that the only thing left for us to talk about are the terms of our divorce, you remember that thing I filed for ten months ago,” she snapped back. Again he grew quiet and things did not escalate again. When the surgery was finished Meredith followed Richard to post-op and Addison joined her husband in the scrub room.

“I’ll have coffee with you tomorrow morning. Meet me in the lobby at 7:30.” She left without waiting for a response.


	9. Confrontations and Reconciliations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Addison finally have a face to face conversation. It is time to say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially this was going to be a part of one big final chapter, but then I realized I liked the way it ended at this point. While Derek and Addison were saying their goodbyes I had a certain song in my head which I've included a portion of as an introduction.
> 
> Chapter 10 is still a work in progress right now. I am thinking about doing some one shots in this universe after this story is complete. Let me know what you think
> 
> I hope you enjoy

_Oh I've finally decided my future lies_  
 _Beyond the Yellow Brick Road_  
~Elton John

Sure enough he met her in the lobby at 7:30 the following morning. Addison didn’t lead him to the cafe around the corner that she liked, but rather to the coffee cart. They got their drinks and Addison lead them to a bench where they sat at opposite ends sipping their coffee in silence. He had wanted to talk not her and he was going to have to do the talking, because she had said what she needed to say when she had filed for divorce.

“I don’t know what to say Addison,” he finally said. “You have made all of these decisions and choices without considering how they would affect anyone else. When you did that,” he paused unable to bring himself to say it. “Do you have any idea how that affected my reputation? Your selfish behavior,” Addison couldn’t help herself as she started laughing.

“Do you hear yourself right now Derek? My god you are such a hypocrite. Please enlighten me about how my “selfishness” impacted you!”

“Be reasonable Addison,” he shouted. Thankfully they were in a mostly deserted location and no one noticed them.

“Last year,” she began, “I tried to kill myself, and you are sitting here trying to make that all about you.” It was still hard for her to talk about, but she knew she had to have this conversation.

“Clearly we have a different perspective on what happened.”

“Clearly,” she retorted with a roll of her eyes. “You want to know why Mark was there that night? Because I’m sure by now you realize we were never having an affair. He was worried about me, because unlike my oblivious husband Mark noticed that I was struggling to keep it together. I know it was a complete shock to you to learn that I was suicidal.” He reached for her hand.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“When was I supposed to tell you? After the twentieth failed attempt to get pregnant you stopped coming home.”

“That was such a difficult thing to process Addie,” he countered.

“And how do you think I felt?” The look on his face said it all. He had never considered how she was feeling after that.

“I’m sorry,” he said sliding closer to her on the bench. She didn’t want him next to her, but he continued to be so painfully unaware of her discomfort. “I have missed you so much since you’ve been gone, and I know things have been strained and difficult this past year, but I really think we can make things work. I’ll even move out here, Mark is tired of dealing with me and I’m sure Richard would give me a job.” She pulled herself away from him at that.

“Just because Mark is “tired of dealing with you” doesn’t mean that I want to deal with you. And if Richard knows what is good for him he won’t offer you a job,” Addison answered as she stood over him. Needing so much to be away from him. He looked so surprised by her reaction and if it wasn’t so sad it would have been funny. “I have a high profile case, and it would be a pity if I took it and the publicity that will come with it to another hospital.”

“I don’t understand Addison. I want to reconcile,” he said.

“I don’t.” She responded. “You know for a brain surgeon you sure are clueless.” He stared back at her dumbly, silently proving her point. “I have a girlfriend,” she said.

“I’m willing to overlook that,” he interrupted.

“I’m going to be direct with you Derek, because you clearly do not understand. I am a lesbian and that intern that you worked with last night, I’m in love with her.” He laughed.

“You’re not a lesbian, I know you’re not.”

“You are impossible Derek.” She shook her head in frustration as she glared down at him before sitting back down on the opposite side of the bench. Things between them were silent as Addison was too frustrated to move the conversation forward and Derek didn’t know what to say. Addison finally turned to him. “Eleven years ago I married my best friend, and I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world, because you and I wanted the same things and not everyone gets to marry their best friend. After all of the failed pregnancy attempts though my best friend disappeared and said I was defective,” tears trailed down her cheeks, but she quickly swiped them away. She didn’t want to cry anymore. “You stopped showing up, you sent Mark to cancel on me for our 9th wedding anniversary, and Mark became my best friend. We watched Monday night football and The Bachelor together and he listened to me when I told him I didn’t think anyone would notice if I disappeared.”

“I know I haven’t been the best husband, and I know I said some things that I shouldn’t have,” she cut him off.

“I want a divorce.”

“But just because things haven’t been perfect and you have a girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian.”

“I wasn’t ready to admit it in New York Derek, I tried to kill myself because I didn’t know how to deal with all of the conflicting feelings. An ER nurse made a pass at me, and I had butterflies, and I was so confused and scared, and you weren’t there Derek. I was so overwhelmed by everything I was feeling what that meant for you and me, and Mark was there for me. Do you have any idea what I have gone through in the last year and a half?” She was crying and she felt her nose running, but she didn’t care. She had loved this man so much that it hurt and now she needed this divorce so she could shove him in a box and not think about all the things he made her feel.

“I don’t know what you went through Addison and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.” He wrapped his arm around her and she leaned into him this time. “I’m sorry,” he repeated and she felt his tears. “I’m so sorry Addison. I’ll sign the papers, and I’ll leave when Richard is cleared to go home in a few days.” He said and they sat there, silently for the longest time, just leaning against one another. “I didn’t realize before,” and that’s when it really hit her. She had wanted to hear him apologize, she’d been comforted by the words, but it wasn’t enough and she pulled away from him.

“That much was obvious Derek.” He looked stunned and she continued. “You still don’t get it. I don’t want the divorce because I’m gay maybe a year ago that would have been reason enough, but you’re apologizing and I don’t even think you understand why I’m so angry with you, why I want a divorce.” She stood up again and began pacing in her frustration.

“I don’t know what you want me to say Addison.”

“I want you to mean it when you apologize. I don’t need you to placate me Derek. You don’t even know why you’re apologizing and I shouldn’t have to point it out to you. I tried to kill myself last year and you didn’t even notice that I had been suicidal for months before, and yet here I am still shocked by how self-centered and oblivious you are.”

“I already agreed to sign the divorce papers is this necessary?” He huffed and she groaned in response.

“Derek I had to be deemed “mentally stable” in order to file for this damn divorce,” she growled. “And now what you want me to be the bigger person and let everything you’ve said to hurt me to continue weighing me down? I’m sorry, but that’s not how this works!” She was so angry, and she couldn’t take it anymore. “Months of therapy, you know three times a week and not just some hour long session Derek, hours, entire mornings, and every time I thought I was healing, you would come along and run me down.” She grabbed her inhaler from her pocket, she’d made sure to carry it. “I was so relieved when the divorce was filed for, and then you called. The doctor thinks I had an asthma attack, I don’t have asthma Derek, and arguing with you is the only reason I need this,” she said holding up the inhaler. “Do you remember yelling that I was an attention whore, accusing me of having some sort of cliche affair with your best friend, calling me defective when we weren’t able to conceive, or saying that I couldn’t even kill myself right? Because I remember all of those things, and you act like they were justified because of how the situation made you feel.”

Derek sat there looking up at her and he was speechless. It felt good to finally get everything off of her chest, but she wanted the apology. She wanted Derek to understand that he had really hurt her and give her a genuine apology, because “do you still love him?” would always be a stupid question. Even though he made her angry and he had been verbally abusive, he had once been her best friend, and she would always love him, she just didn’t want him to be in her life anymore. They were silent for a long time, but Derek stood up and took her hand.

“There is no excuse for the things I said to you Addison. I threw myself into work and I didn’t even consider how you were feeling, and when I came home that night and Mark had you in an ambulance, and I was so scared. There was so much blood,” he sobbed. “I lashed out and I reacted badly because I hadn’t been paying attention and I didn’t know why you did it or why you left or why you were filing for divorce. I understand now, and I’m so sorry Addie, I never meant for things to end up this way, I just, well I guess you’re right I am oblivious and self-centered,” he laughed. They embraced. After well over a decade together, this was the end.

Lawyers were called, papers were faxed and signed later that afternoon. There was a finality to it and Addison felt free.

“I hear congratulations are in order,” Richard said the following day when she stepped into his room to check in on him. Of course he had heard, O’Malley was acting as his eyes and ears and reporting on hospital gossip.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” she said hovering in the doorway, he beckoned for her to come in and she took the seat next to his bed.

“Well I can see you, so I’ll take that as a good sign.” She smiled warmly in response. He reached for her hand, “I never would have offered him a contract,” he said seriously. You mean more to me than that and I’m glad he finally gave you what you needed. Besides that girlfriend of yours might even be a better neurosurgeon in a few years, I’d like to keep her on the staff,” he joked.

“Careful Richard, I could call your wife.” He laughed with her once the shock wore off. Derek stayed longer because Richard refused to call Adele while she was on vacation. Addison and Derek ended up working together on a patient, and Stevens was the intern assigned and they argued over the infant’s care and when he finally agreed to the surgery, Addison was surprised to find Stevens following her out of NICU.

“Dr. Montgomery,” Addison turned to face the blonde.

“Yes, Dr. Stevens?”

“I wanted to apologize.” Definitely not what Addison had expected. “Dr. Shepherd is kind of full of himself,” the blonde added as if her thought process had been derailed.

“That’s an understatement,” Addison responded.

“I really thought you were taking advantage of Meredith. It’s not like she was scrubbing in with you and the husband, well,” she trailed off again and Addison was really hoping that she would get to the point. “He may have mentioned that you filed for divorce like a year ago, and I’m sorry I misjudged you and your relationship with Meredith,” she finished awkwardly before hurrying off.

Then it happened. Adele came home, Richard was released from the hospital and Derek was flying back to New York. The thing that Addison had wanted for over a year had finally happened. They were getting a divorce and she really didn’t know how she felt about it now that things were finalized. She had taken him to the airport.

“I’m selling the house,” he said when she parked in the pick up lot. “If there is anything you want I’ll send it to you or Mark will, I don’t want to go back there.” There were tears in his eyes. “I thought I could bring you home, it’s so empty there without you, and I can’t go into the kitchen and, I wish things didn’t have to be this way Addie.” She reached out and squeezed his hand.

“I know, but this is how things have to be. I can’t go back there, Derek. The only thing New York has that I want is pizza, it’s really hard to find a good pizza out here. I love you Derek, and a part of me always will, but this is the end for us, besides your mother must be thrilled, she’s hated me since the beginning.” Derek cracked a smile at her words.

“I love you too Addison.” She opened the trunk to grab his bag while he grabbed a tissue or three from the center console and wiped his eyes and blew his nose. He stepped out of the car and closed the door while Addison stood next to the open trunk. “I guess this is goodbye,” he reached out and hugged her and she squeezed him back. She couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

“Goodbye Derek,” she whispered as he grabbed his bag from her trunk and headed across to enter the airport.


	10. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the divorce papers signed Addison is finally free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I know it has been a long time, but inspiration recently struck and I've finally finished this chapter. The Christmas bits are intentionally vague because I do plan to write a one shot about that, which will go into more detail.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy

The night after Derek left, Addison found herself distracted. She finally had what she had wanted for so long. It felt as if she had finally climbed the last hurdle, and she was at a loss as to what she should do next. She finally had her divorce and it felt so strange.

“Can you stop thinking so loudly?” Meredith groaned. The blonde was irritable, partially because Addison had forgotten to pick up the cookies and cream ice cream like she had promised, but also because PMS.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry just stop thinking and spoon me,” Meredith whined. “Everything hurts and I just wanted you and some ice cream and I don’t have either right now and I’m really grumpy about it,” she pouted and Addison pressed herself fully against the blonde’s back in response. Her hands snuck around the blonde and she began rubbing comforting circles around Meredith’s hips and pelvis. The blonde sighed in response.

“Does it always feel like this?” Addison asked and Mer shook her head.

“No it’s only like this once in a while,” Addison continued rubbing her girlfriend gently to ease her discomfort. “I’m sorry for being grumpy,” Meredith mumbled.

“Don’t worry about it Mer. I’m sorry I forgot your ice cream.”

“It’s alright, you have a lot on your mind.” Meredith turned around in Addie’s arms. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

“I’m tired of talking about it,” she sighed. Meredith wrapped her arms around her and smiled encouragingly. “I feel kind of lost. I’ve wanted this divorce for so long that it’s hard to know what happens next.”

“You just closed an important chapter of your life, I think feeling a little lost is pretty normal. We can start the next chapter together though.” Addison found herself smiling at that.

“I want a pet,” Addison said suddenly. “Maybe a cat, something warm and fuzzy that I can cuddle with when you’re at work, or staying at your place. I don’t have the space for a dog. Are you allergic?” Addison asked and Meredith shook her head.

“I love that you want a cat.” Meredith smiled. “And I love how excited you get when you want something, it’s really cute, and I love you,” she added as she brushed red hair back off of Addison’s face. Meredith leaned in and kissed her and they lay there, smiling at each other.

“I love you too Meredith.”

Addison had found a local shelter to adopt from. One cat turned into two when she fell in love with a pair of big orange tabby brothers who would have to go on a diet because they were chunky and so cute with piercing green eyes and they’d been stuck at the shelter for almost a year and Addison was in love. She bought all sorts of toys for them and a big bed and plenty of food. She was getting them settled in the guest bedroom when her phone rang.

“I expected to hear from you about the divorce before Derek came home,” Mark said as soon as she answered. “He told me he is selling the house, so I have to help him find an apartment before he decides to move in with me and ruin my sex life.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call Mark,” she said as she placed the litter box in the adjoining bathroom. “I just adopted two cats.”

“Oh my God did Meredith break up with you? Because you told me she knew about Derek and,” she cut him off.

“No, she didn’t break up with me, though I was concerned after I neglected to buy her ice cream the other night,” she laughed. “Look I just got untangled from a long-term relationship, I’m not in any rush with Meredith, we have our own lives, she has her own place and friends and I respect that, I just I don’t want to be lonely when she’s not here, and they’re really cute. I’ll have to email you pictures of them.”

“Is everything alright Addie? Are you becoming a crazy cat lady?” He sounded worried.

“I’m not becoming a crazy cat lady okay Mark, everything is fine really. I’m sorry I didn’t call, I just feel really weird about everything, it’s final now, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I mean I wanted this divorce for so long, that I never really thought about what happens next. Where is my life is going now? I have a girlfriend and I’m crazy about her, but I don’t want to rush things with her. I feel a little lost.”

“So you adopted two cats?”

“Yes, I just brought them home.”

“Does Meredith know you adopted cats?” He asked.

“Well she knew I was looking for a pet, she doesn’t know I adopted two of them, she’s on call tonight, so she’ll meet them the next time she comes over. I asked if she was allergic and she said no.”

“It just seems strange that you adopted them without her, even if you’re not living together,” he added the last bit as more of an afterthought.

“I’m not ready to live together, I need to be on my own and I think Meredith does too. She has her own friends and her own life and I don’t want to infringe on that. I’m making new friends and I have great taste in friends as you already know,” he laughed.

“Alright, I was just worried when I didn’t hear from you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. How are you? How are things at work?” She asked

“There have been less burn victims, I think they found the arsonist, so I’ve been less busy. If you want any of your things from the house, Derek asked me to take care of it.” She had a feeling that Derek was there with Mark when he said that, but she didn’t ask.

“There are some things in the study, I’ll email you or you can call me when you get the chance to look. I need to set up my office space in the new apartment. He doesn’t want to talk to me.” Mark must have been shaking his head, because he laughed before speaking again.

“I don’t know why I’m shaking my head like you can see me,” he said and they shared a laugh. “It’s going to take some time for him to come to terms with things.”

“I get it, I kind of feel the same way. I’m always going to love him, but I need to box him up and stuff him away because if I don’t it is too much to handle.”

“I get it, but for him the feeling is new.” The line was silent, then,”I can’t believe you told him I watched _The Bachelor_ with you that was supposed to be our secret.” They both burst out laughing. He proceeded to ask her about work and she told him about Stevens and how she thought she might do well in her field and about the quints she was expecting.

“I’m glad you called Mark. I have really missed hearing your voice, and I’m sorry I worried you.”

“I understand,” he replied. “I’ll try and visit Seattle soon, I just think Derek needs me right now.” She nodded though she knew Mark couldn’t see her do so. “I want to see pictures of your cats, so send them along with anything you want from the house.” They said their good nights and Addison went back to her new feline friends.

Keeping the boys in the guest room lasted all of one night. They were in her bedroom snuggled up on her bed the next night, and the one after that, and then the following night. Meredith had been working overnight and Addison missed her, but now she had Billy and Pablo keeping her company. She took so many pictures of them. They sat in her lap, Billy walked across the keyboard while she was trying to send an email before bed and then Pablo followed after him and Mark called to laugh at her after the picture of them trying to drink her coffee. She definitely missed Meredith, but the boys were keeping her spirits up.

The one side effect of Derek’s recent visit was that everyone in the hospital now knew about her relationship with Meredith Grey. Most people didn’t care, which came as a relief to Addison, but the reactions of the people she regularly interacted with were important. Alex Karev thought it was hot, and she rolled her eyes at him, because it honestly sounded like something her best friend would say, and Callie made a comment about helping her plan a date with an intern. Cristina Yang already knew which Addison was surprised to learn. The only real backlash came from Preston Burke and it was only because it explained why Meredith had gone to her and ignored his attempts to help with an infant with a heart defect. He failed to mention that he only offered to help because he thought it would boost his chances at becoming Chief.

“It’s no wonder you and Derek got along so well, you’re both so full of yourselves, I’m surprised the hospital could contain your egos for two weeks.” He laughed it off and everything was just normal. She had a husband, they got divorced, the hospital had gossiped and then they moved on, and Addison was moving on too. She had cats and a girlfriend and Callie. She realized her new friend was standing there while she was lost in thought.

“How is divorce treating you?” Callie asked snapping Addison from her thoughts.

“I adopted cats,” she answered.

“Are you trying to become a lesbian stereotype?” Callie asked and they both laughed.

“Do you want to meet them?” Addison asked suddenly.

“You’re serious,” was the tall brunette’s response. Addison nodded. “Sure.”

“How do you feel about Chinese?” Addison asked. She and Callie had made a habit of dinning together every couple of weeks, but they’d never shared Chinese food and the fact that Meredith hated it meant that Addie hadn’t had any since she and Nai had tried a new place in LA.

“Have you tried?” Callie started to ask, but Addison shook her head before Callie could name the place.

“Meredith hates Chinese food and I haven’t had the chance to try any places in Seattle.”

“We are fixing that tonight. How do you feel about Sichuan pork?” Addison’s eyes lit up at the mention of it.

“I could go for some pork fried rice too, or anything with pork right now,” Addison said. Pork wasn’t exactly her favorite, but it was a craving. She wanted something different.

“Your place at 7 sound good?” Callie asked and Addison nodded. In typical Callie fashion the brunette arrived at 6:57 and Addison opened the door to let her friend inside. The boys were lying on the sofa together and Addison took the large bag from Callie’s hands so that her friend could pet them. “How do you tell them apart?” Callie asked as she scratched Billy’s chin.

“Billy has a patch of white fur on his chin and Pablo has more of a cream color under his chin,” Addison answered.

“How do they feel about being picked up?” Callie asked as she continued giving Billy chin scratches and Pablo brushed against her hand clearly jealous of the attention his brother was receiving.

“They’re pretty mellow about it unless they’re trying to eat, then they like to be left alone.” Callie reached out and scratched Pablo’s head and he leaned into her touch.

“Something they have in common with their new mom,” Callie teased.

“Don’t try to steal my fries,” Addison replied and they laughed. Callie sat with Billy and Pablo while Addison put the food in the kitchen and retrieved plates and sat everything out on the island. It was a few minutes before Callie came into the kitchen and went straight to the sink to wash her hands.

“They are pretty affectionate, I can’t believe I got to meet them before Meredith.” Callie said while she dried her hands.

“She’s been working the night shift since I adopted them, she’s supposed to get done early tonight though,” Addison said as she began to fill her plate. She quickly stuffed an egg roll in her mouth and moaned. “It’s been so long,” she sighed and Callie laughed at her while she put food on her own plate.

“Since you’ve had Meredith or Chinese?” Callie teased and Addison responded by throwing chopsticks at her. Addison began to fill up her own plate and took her own set of chopsticks out. Within two minutes Addison was crossing the kitchen for a fork. “For a world class surgeon you’re sure having trouble with those chopstick,” Callie teased as Addison dug into her pork fried rice with a fork. Addison stuck her tongue out at Callie in response. “Looks like there is something you’re not good at,” Callie added.

“Hey rice is harder to pick up with chopsticks and I’m hungry,” Addison pouted before sticking her tongue out again, and Callie laughed.

“I bet you were the popular prom queen in high school,” Callie laughed.

“I was not!” Addison exclaimed. “I was a band geek with braces, and my prom date transcribed a Star Wars movie.” Callie looked completely shocked by her declaration, and she didn’t laugh this time. “I was president of the French Club too.” Callie stared dumbfounded. “Everyone has an embarrassing high school story,” Addison added catching her friend’s attention.

“So I blew up the science lab my sophomore year,” Callie blushed, “and I was president of the Chemistry Club, and I singed my eyebrows.” They both burst out laughing and were still laughing when Meredith showed up.

“I’m not going to ask,” Meredith said before leaning in to kiss her girlfriend. She quickly pulled back and scrunched up her nose. “You taste,” Meredith started, but Addison cut her off.

“Like something you don’t like,” Addison sad leaning in to peck Meredith’s cheek. “Are you hungry?” Meredith shook her head.

“No, I’m just tired. I’m going to go take a shower and get ready for bed, I’ll let you guys finish your dinner, nice to see you Callie,” Meredith said before heading for the bedroom. She and Callie heard the shower turn on as Callie told her about some of the other dishes she might like from the Chinese menu. The conversation died down and Addison heard the shower turn off as she and Callie packed up their leftovers.

“Lunch for tomorrow,” Addison grinned as they tucked the leftover containers into the fridge. “Whatever happened with your football player?” Addison asked once everything was put away. There had been a badass 17 year old high school football player on Callie’s table a few days ago. Callie lit up as she told Addison about the ACL injury and concussion that had involved Meredith and a neurosurgical consult. The surgery had been pretty routine, but Addison knew Callie had connected with the girl she had worked on.

“Everything was pretty routine, if all goes well, she’ll be ready to play football again for her senior year,” Callie finished. Silence fell over them, and it was then that Addison realized things had grown too quiet. Meredith hadn’t returned to the kitchen after her shower.

“I’m going to go check on Mer,” Addison said suddenly as she slipped out of the kitchen and down the hall towards the bedroom, when she opened the door she found Meredith curled up with a towel under her wet hair in a pair of plaid pajama pants and her Dartmouth shirt, sound asleep and Billy and Pablo were curled up next to her. Addison smiled, at least her feline friends approved of Meredith. She closed the door and made her way back to her friend in the kitchen.

“She’s out cold and the boys are already snuggled up with her, it looks like they get along,” she said with a smile.

“That’s my cue then, I’ll see you tomorrow Addie,” Callie said as she gathered her things.

“I’ll bring lunch. Drive safe,” Addison added as she saw her friend to the door. She locked the door and turned off the lights before heading to bed herself. As Addison pulled back the blankets on her side of the bed, Meredith shifted startling Pablo. He blinked and gave her a look before settling back against Meredith’s pillow.

“Love you Adds,” Mer mumbled.

“I love you too Meredith,” she whispered as she leaned over to kiss Meredith’s forehead, before snuggling into bed behind the blonde. Meredith snored, but Addison wasn’t ready to fall asleep just yet. She laid there spooning her sleeping girlfriend thinking about how lucky she was to have her until eventually sleep came for her too.

***

Since the divorce was finalized everything felt like it was happening all at once. She had been stuck for over a year and now she was overwhelmingly happy.

Meredith tugged at her arm, “you’re coming over for Thanksgiving.” Addison’s eyes went wide at the suggestion.

“Your roommates hate me!” Addison exclaimed and Meredith shook her head. She knew the blonde was sick of this argument, but Addison felt so uncomfortable around them outside of work.

“They don’t hate you. Besides, I wouldn’t care if they did. You’re my girlfriend and I love you and you’re coming over for Thanksgiving, end of discussion.” Meredith left no room for debate as she leaned in to kiss Addison’s cheek. It wasn’t just Thanksgiving, but her first high profile case in Seattle. She was anxious internally, while projecting cocky self-assuredness externally. Then Stevens went and got too attached and Addison was forced to teach her an important lesson, and now the tall blonde hated her again, but four of the five girls were still alive.

Meredith had been brilliant while Addison was distracted with Izzie. Miranda Bailey had told her as much and Addison was proud. She slipped into the NICU and saw her girlfriend standing in front of Charlotte and Kate Russell. Meredith’s co-bedding treatment was working wonders for the girls and Addison smiled as she wrapped her arms around the blonde.

“I’m impressed,” she whispered in her girlfriend’s ear. Meredith tilted her head back and Addison couldn’t help but smile at her grinning girlfriend, before kissing her soundly on the lips. She turned the blonde around in her arms. “I’m also mad at myself for not thinking of this,” she added indicating towards the infants, before leaning in to kiss Meredith again.

“Addie,” she groaned, “not in front of the babies.”

“I don’t think they mind,” Addison teased before leaning in for another kiss. The sound of a throat clearing however had her jumping back a moment later.

“Their mother might mind though,” Miranda Bailey replied as she pushed Dorie Russell in to see her daughters. Addison felt her face flush and she began stuttering an apology, but Mrs. Russell smiled.

“I don’t mind,” she said with a smile as Dr. Bailey wheeled her in front of her daughters. Addison took Meredith’s hand and they slipped out the NICU together while Miranda stayed with Mrs. Russell.

It wasn’t long after that case that she and Meredith had their first fight. Her behavior was reprehensible and the moment Meredith turned away Addison was filled with regret. Addison was left trying to apologize, but Meredith blew off her attempts. The blonde refused her mocha latte and Addison knew better than try chocolates or flowers. She vowed not to try anything manipulative at work though her patience was thin, waiting paid off.

“Meredith,” Addison tried as they were scrubbing out. Bailey had left to check on another patient and they were alone in the scrub room. “I’m sorry, I know I can’t take back what I said, but, I’m sorry. I hate knowing you’re angry with me and I hate that I deserve it, I just, I, I’m just sorry,” she tried and Meredith turned to face her.

“I know you are Addie.” Meredith said simply before turning away to dry her hands. Addison felt her heart drop at Meredith’s words. “I guess we can try to compromise on Christmas,” Meredith continued. “I should have known you’d be one of those happy Christmas people like Izzie,” Meredith said with an eye roll and Addison’s lips curled into a smile. “I love you Addison.”

“I love you too Meredith, I never want to fight again,” she mumbled as they embraced.

“I can’t promise that,” Meredith joked as she untied Addison’s scrub cap.

“Promise we’ll talk about it next time,” Addison said seriously. Meredith smiled and nodded in agreement. While it had been a difficult few days for their relationship, in the grand scheme of things it was nothinZg. She ended up on Meredith’s couch with Izzie that night watching _It’s A Wonderful Life_ , while Meredith made hot cocoa and George made sugar cookies.

The year came to an end uneventfully. Miranda went on maternity leave, and Meredith grumbled about each of the residents they’d been assigned. Then before she knew what was happening Miranda was having her baby and Tucker was in the OR with Dr. Nelson and there was a code black.

“The girl with the bomb is Meredith.” Everything stopped. She moved on autopilot. She was freaking out, Miranda was refusing to push, and she just wanted to throw something at O’Malley. He proved himself useful and she stopped thinking about hitting him in the head with her shoe. Everything sped up and she managed to focus on Miranda and bringing her son into the world. It happened so fast or so it seemed. It was as though time picked up to make up for the time she spent frozen. Meredith was alive and she was running through the halls of the hospital to get to her. Cristina and Izzie stepped aside and Addison stood beside her girlfriend and cleaned her face in the locker room shower. 

“I was afraid I was going to lose you,” Addison sobbed as they stood there in their soaking wet scrubs as the water turned cold. Addison’s sneakers squeaked against the tiles and Meredith pressed her against the wall. “Don’t you ever do something like that again Meredith Grey!” She wailed, shifting their positions in the process.

“I’m sorry,” Meredith whispered. “I just, Hannah, she was scared, she moved, I, I didn’t mean to, I love you.” Warm lips were on hers and fingers moved to her waistband, fingers that had been wrapped around a bomb an hour ago untied her pants and Addison clung to her as her own fingers slipped beneath Meredith’s waistband. “What about?” Meredith asked suddenly.

“To hell with the rules,” Addison groaned as her fingers slipped inside of Meredith. It was the only time they had ever had sex in the hospital. Two days later Mark showed up unexpectedly.

“Invasive non-small cell with a history of COPD? The guys pretty much a goner huh?” Meredith’s lips curved into a smile and she said something about sensitivity, but Addison didn’t hear the rest.

“MARK!” She wrapped her arms around him and he lifted her off the ground and spun her. “What are you doing here?” She asked once he placed her back on the ground.

“Visiting my best friend, maybe even meeting the woman keeping you in this dreary city, at least LA had bikini babes.” Meredith snorted. “Though if blondie here is interested in improving this trip,” he winked and Addison’s fist collided with his shoulder, much harder than she had anticipated. She winced and Meredith held out her hand to Mark.

“You must be Mark, I’m the woman keeping Addie in Seattle,” Meredith smirked.

“Jeez no wonder Addie hit me like that,” he grinned. “She does have good taste though.” Mark’s comment earned him a slap to the back of the head from Addison’s other hand. “Ow, jeez Addie, I’m not here to steal your girl, relax. I’m here to see you, and meet the cats.” In that moment everything was right in the world, Addison had her girlfriend and her best friend. She wrapped an arm around each of them with a grin.

Mark’s visit could not have come at a better time. Addison had been so worried about Meredith, and she needed time to relax and decompress with a friend she could confide in. She knew Mer had been dealing with a lot with her mother and meeting her father again, and she was worried that the bomb incident was a cry for help even though Meredith insisted that she was fine.

“I’m just worried about her,” she whispered to Mark when they were alone eating Chinese take out from the place Callie had turned her on to. “I don’t think she would do anything intentionally, but she’d do something careless, I’ve seen her forget to look before crossing the parking lot at night.”

“Addie, slow down,” he reached out and took her hand in his. “I knew you were worried when you called after the explosion, but do you really think she’d hurt herself?” Addison shrugged. She worried that she was projecting her own experiences onto the situation, but her girlfriend has put her hand on a bomb two days ago and she felt her concern was justified. “She is probably still processing what happened, I know you want to be supportive, but you might need to give her space to talk to you when she’s ready.”

“I know, it’s just with her mother,” Mark cut her off.

“What’s wrong with her mother?”

“Alzheimers, it’s advanced and she had an affair with Richard during her residency,” Addison added.

“Wait, like the Chief? That Richard?” Addison nodded. Mark looked pensive for a moment before nodding in understanding. “So she has family issues stressing her out?”

“Plus she ran into her father for the first time in twenty years and it’s a sore spot, especially when I operated on a half-sister she didn’t know about,” Addison huffed.

“Jeez, that’s a lot. Maybe you should do something relaxing with her, get a couples massage or something equally relaxing,” Mark suggested.

“That’s actually a good idea Mark!”

“Well when you say it like that,” he teased.

“I’m glad you’re here Mark, I have missed you so much,” Addison whispered before wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.

“I’ve missed you too Addie,” he said as he squeezed her back.

Mark ended up staying for a week. He and Meredith hit it off playing darts at the bar.

“Could you tell her not to worry so much,” Meredith said as she pressed the popcorn button on the microwave. Mark put the martini shaker down. “I love her so much and I hate being away from her, it’s just hard to talk about everything right now.”

“You could just tell me yourself,” Addison said as she stepped into the kitchen.

“You don’t need to worry so much Addie,” Meredith said before leaning in to kiss her. “I’m crazy about you, and I have no desire to leave you, there’s just a lot going on and I don’t know how I feel about all of it, but you make me happy.” Addison felt her eyes water at Meredith’s words and she hugged her tight. A moment later Mark wrapped his arms around both of them.

“Group hug,” he exclaimed and Addison and Meredith laughed as they hugged him back.

While the visit was nice, Mark eventually had to return to New York and life went on. Karev pissed her off, Stevens was too invested in a patient once again, Callie was involved with O’Malley and Addison was trying to avoid the drama that was Preston’s relationship with Yang. There was nothing out of the ordinary until Adele Webber paged her for a consult.

***

_I stepped outside of the ER doors into the cold Seattle night. Richard’s niece was dying and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I was focused on my breathing and then there was a whooshing sound and I was falling. Meredith’s hand was on mine, “let’s get out of here.” We were lying in bed together and she had seen my scars, “we don’t have to talk about it.” Then we were in the conference room and she had me pinned against the large table, “You are such an adorable idiot and I am hopelessly in love with you. You’re coming to Thanksgiving dinner to hell with what anyone has to say. The next thing I knew we were in the locker room showers and I had her pressed against the wall her face was covered in cuts and grim. “I was so scared that I was going to lose you.” I mumbled before initiating a searing kiss. “What about your no sex at work rule?” She whimpered. “To hell with the rule.” I replied as my hand slipped into her pants._

_“ADDIE!” Meredith yelled. “OH MY GOD ADDIE! I need help over here,” Meredith shouted as she kneeled down beside me. She pulled her scrub shirt off and pressed it against my wound._

_“Don’t you dare die on me Addie!” She whispered as I was wheeled into the hospital._

***

The beeping was back. Why was there beeping? The moment she opened her eyes she instantly closed them in regret. The beeping became more insistent. It was too bright. Was she beeping? She grunted and then Meredith’s hand was brushing against hers and she felt at ease.

“I’m right here Addie,” she whispered. She must have hit the page button because suddenly a bunch of people were there. Nurses, she recognized one, and they started fussing. Then Richard was there and there was more fussing. They were fussing over her. Why were they fussing over her? She tried to open her eyes again. She was in the hospital. She squeezed her eyes shut again. There were too many noises and the light was far too bright and there were tubes and needles and she felt them all over her skin, but through everything Meredith’s hand stayed on hers. She made Richard and the nurses work around her, and god was Addison grateful. Addison was a patient she realized as they continued poking and prodding at her, and everything came rushing back and she opened her eyes.

“How are you feeling?” Meredith asked once the room had cleared.

“Like I was shot, did someone shoot me?” She asked. Meredith nodded and chuckled. The sound was bitter and she looked like she might cry, but she didn’t cry. “I had this really strange dream, I think it was a dream. I was in LA in my therapist’s office and I think my life flashed before my eyes, but it was just you.” Addison squeezed Meredith’s hand. “You’re my life Meredith, I love you so much, I wanna marry you some day.”

“Are you proposing right now?” Meredith asked, genuinely laughing this time.

“Well not right now, but maybe eventually. Did Richard give me the good drugs?” The laughter was back.

“I think you need more rest Addie.” The redhead agreed, but nonetheless she scooted over to make room for the blonde.

“Get up here,” Meredith shook her head and said she didn’t want to hurt her. “I don’t want to be without you Mer, come here.” Meredith did as Addison asked and got into bed beside her, and quickly wrapped her arms around her.

“I thought I’d lost you,” Meredith whimpered. Addison squeezed Meredith’s hand, her grip was weaker than usual, but she held tight.

“I love you Mer, I don’t wanna be without you,” she repeated. Meredith smiled at her and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“I love you too Addie. You need more rest, I’m not going anywhere,” Meredith whispered. Addison dozen off in Meredith’s arms with the knowledge that she was safe and loved, and that the pain from this wound would fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone that has followed this story. Feedback is always appreciated


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